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“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins

i am...
nineteen
five foot nine
blonde
i dream...
constantly
i love...
night time
water
glitter
whispers
red lipstick
high heeled shoes
glamour

music: clutch

I'm in Regina. I got in at 1...no word from my mom. It's 10 now...still no word. She doesn't know I'm here yet. The house felt weird when I got here. Messier than usual. Didn't smell right.
There's almost no food in the place. I'm really hungry but there's nothing to eat.
All of this is adding on to the hopeless feeling I have in the pit of my stomach.
Sometimes I wonder if she passed this down to me. And if she feels this too.
It took almost everything I had in me to get up off the floor to write this. It did take everything in me not to hurt myself. It's the only thing that I understand and it's like an addiction. Something I can't imagine ever stopping because...I guess it almost feels good.
I hate it here. This house. Fucking ridiculous...it's so sad and empty. I guess we have no one to blame but ourselves. It's just a building.
I've sat for so long on the couch just staring at nothing. Not thinking of anything but still someone having one thousand thoughts run through my head.
The people who think they know me the best, don't know me at all.
And when they think I'm the happiest I'm trying my hardest not to let them see what's really there.
There's nothing that I can do. No one is around on the computer, there's no TV to watch...my room is empty. No music. No food. It's really cold in here.
I'm so lonely right now but the last thing in the world that I want is someone around.
Even if I explained things to them they wouldn't understand. They'd look at me and they'd think I was full of shit...they'd blow it off.
Lately, the world in general has made me sick.

So Bunk is in the shower, that means that I can have time to write a journal.
It's really hard being around people right now. I just...have no patience at the moment. I have a million things running through my head right now, that I really want to tell someone. But I can't.
It gets so hard to get out of bed. I just...don't want to move. Today when I was getting ready I just stopped doing anything and sat there on the edge of my bed for basically an hour.
I couldn't find it in myself to move even an inch to put my hairbrush back on the dresser.
And I could've stayed in that possition all day. Just sitting there. My mind was kind of blank and I felt numb. Like...honestly numb. My arms felt so heavy...I just didn't want to move.
This is basically how I've been feeling for awhile now. Some days it isn't so bad, and other days I just want to curl up and be forgotten.
I hope things get better soon...I really do.
It's so hard to stay away from old habits.
They tempt and they tempt. It's the only way of dealing that I understand.

Second journal in like 2 minutes.
It's nights like this when I really just want to be alone forever. And not see anyone and not hear from anyone.
Old habits resurface and I have that urge to just hurt myself.
Not for anyone else but me because when you hurt you don't think of anything else but that hurt...takes your mind off what's keeping you awake. And making you feel so empty and alone.
It seems sad that I keep falling back into this state. For the most part I even stopped making journal entries about it because I didn't want people to know.
But I feel like writing tonight. And writing and writing and not stopping.
I keep falling back into this...no matter what. And the tiny moments in my life where I feel like everything is right in my world and I'll never need another pill or razor to makes things better seem...pathetic.
They seem fake and I hardly remember what it was like to feel, not even happy, but content. Content enough to get through the days without planning my own self distruction.
And the people I was with tonight would never be able to tell that something was wrong, or maybe they'd get a hint of it...but not much more.
I've spent so long learning to hide in front of people that it comes natural.
A lot of the time I really just want to tell someone who can maybe help me. But then I tell myself that it's all a joke and every teenage girl feels like this from time to time and it's nothing and it's making a big deal out of nothing.
But I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to breath or see anyone or have anyone say anything to me. Their conversations hold no interest, not even from my best friends. I'm hardly even looking forward to something that I was looking forward to for so long.
I can hardly think straight enough to write this...and I know that most of it will be pointless blathering and some of it might not make sense.
And maybe I'll go back and read this on a clear day and feel stupid so I'll delete it.
But who knows.

So this is one of the last visits I'll be making to Regina for awhile. And I feel like everyone except my boyfriend gives a shit.
That's a stupid thing to say, deep down I know that that isn't the truth. That it isn't even close to the truth. And maybe I'm being unfair.
But this is my last night in the city for a long time. I thought he would be happy to come to a movie. He said he'd come. But instead he stayed at his place to get drunk with his friends.
And maybe this is unfair but I guess tonight really showed me where I stand. And deep down, I don't know that that isn't the truth. I don't know that he cares about me over certain things that I had hoped he would...what's more important? Seeing your girlfriend before she moves away...or getting drunk?
Maybe I'm missing something, and maybe I'm wrong. If someone wants to explain things to me so that I can understand better. Feel free. Go right ahead.
But as it is now, I'm feeling fairly hurt. And it seems like a lot of the time I'm feeling fairly hurt.
Sometimes I worry that he just doesn't care enough to make things work. That when I move he'll go on with his life and slowly forget that I ever existed or that he ever told me he loved me.
And that would kill. And I'm so scared that that will be the case.
I remember that one time I phoned him and when I said hey he said, "Who's this?" and now I look at that and think that it will start happening more and more.
I don't cry. I'm not someone who cries much at all...I haven't cried in a long time and I think the last time I cried I was drunk.
But sometimes, on nights like these I just really want to cry. And I want to have the courage to call him up and tell him, 'Fuck you.' and tell him why it ment so much for him to come. And why his, 'Well I want to see you tonight so can we meet up at the bank while I get money.' hurts even more then if he hadn't said anything.
Because I really feel that if you love someone you should have more time for them then in between getting money and getting drink.
I really feel that I should count for more than that.
And so tonight I'm going to have another sleepless night. Because I don't cry, instead I don't sleep.

music: Motorcycle: As The Rush Comes
mood:

Man, people are lame. I'm in such a loner mood right now. Sometime soon I've got to pack and start making supper...or getting supper ready at least. I don't know for sure, but I think maybe my mom has choire. Maybe not though because it's the summer. Bah, I can't remember.
Yesterday I finally got to see Craig. It's been forever. I think that maybe the whole long distance thing will work out fine...and even if we break up I somehow doubt it'll be on bad terms.
I've decided that I'm getting too fat. Annnnd I'm not a fan. So I'm going put a stop the this fatness. Mewahahahaha...haha.
I'm going now. Good day.

Alright, so basically I'm updating this for the sake of updating because I have nothing to say.
More than likely because I've done sweet fuck all.
There's really no one around long enough to help me get my room in order.
And I know around...2 people. So going out and doign stuff is rare.
It's fucking pointless for me to be in this god damn city.
Ummm so I'm bitter and I'm bored and I'm tired.
And I had the worlds worst supper.
It was disgusting.
Annnnd that is enough for a bitch fest today.

music: none
mood:

Alright, so I have to complain about something.
I have several websites on the internet that I view regularily. They're a group of art sites, a place for people to post and view art. They are all really good sites, they're interesting and have some really beautiful pieces posted daily.
But some people fill their galleries with pointless pictures of naked people.
Now, I have no problem with nudity at all. And if it's done well, there can be some really gorgeous nudes.
My problem is that 90% of the pictures in peoples galleries are just...people who are naked. Some of the pictures are even kind of gross because they're unflattering angles, bad lighting, shitty set. They're not QUALITY.
I have no interest in looking at pictures of some girl standing awkwardly in front of a stark white wall wearing nothing but an expression of extreme boredum.
What really suprises me is the amount of people who fully support the photographer and say things like, "What a beaufitul picture. Stunning."
Half the time I think it's just a bunch of people who don't want to pay for porn. So they sit there oggling bad pictures on an art site.
Crap. Pitiful, pitiful crap.

music: NONE YOU DEVIL!
mood:

Yessss that is right. I am most spastic tonight. I blame the sun...I really do. I WAS OUT IN IT FOR FAR TOO LONG! Ever too long. Ever...
Yes, anyways, today was nifty.
I went shopping with Kako and Aimee.
Yes indeed...shopping. It was fun. Outdoors shopping.
Ahhhh the man in WHITE.
I definately think I need caffiene. THat would be superb...yessss indeed.
And now I leave.
VOOSHE!

It's really difficult to be friends with someone you can't trust AT ALL.
My god...honestly. I do not want her around my boyfriend, and Reb doesn't want her around hers. Why? Because she can't be trusted. She gets her...greedy little hands all over everything.
And it's not that I don't trust Craig, I do. And I'm not worried about our relationship. I'm worried about my friendship with Jasmin.
But honestly, what friendship?
It's like she's using everyone.
I don't even know who she is anymore because she's too full of shit.
Everything is some big dramatic thing with her, half the time it's a downright lie.
I....can't even go on. BAH!
BAH I SAY!

music: kidney thieves
mood: scattered

My mind has been playing tricks on my lately. Unable to sleep unless it's during the day. The night has become the only time I'm alert. Always having nightmares...and when I wake up they're like half forgotten memories. But they seem so real. Most of the time they're impossible...but I still question whether or not they happened.
Maybe it's because I'm getting back in touch with some people from the past who I thought had forgotten about me...I look at things and I really think it's better to be leaving here because the past is coming back to haunt me and I don't want to start watching those people as they continue they're self distruction.
It's weird that in the group of people I hang out with now they all see me as this sweet little innocent child. And I'm not sure if that's because by their standards I am...or if because they really, really don't know me...I'm starting to think it's the latter. Or maybe I've become some sweet little innocent child. I don't know anymore.
All I know is that this sleep is getting to me. And I hate the day now. There's nothing to it.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Allie
Birthday:	January 18th
Birthplace:	La Ronge, Saskatchewan, Canada
Current Location:	Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada
Eye Color:	Green
Hair Color:	Bleached blonde at the moment, soon to be redyed pink.
Height:	5'10
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Lefty bitch. I use the evil hand.
Your Heritage:	Scottish and Irish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Pink and black sneakers
Your Weakness:	Being hugged...like...really hugged.
Your Fears:	Spiders, clowns and dolls...eating in front of people.
Your Perfect Pizza:	Cheese and meat bitches!
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Start at a new school where I know no one and survive
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	Sheeeeeeeit
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Oh Piss...I hate being awake.
Your Best Physical Feature:	Apperantly it's my eyes.
Your Bedtime:	Whenever I can no longer keep my eyes open.
Your Most Missed Memory:	Anytime I was with my sister
Pepsi or Coke:	Diet pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Fuck you, Arbies
Single or Group Dates:	Single. I like awkward situations.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Homemake fuckers.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate for taste, vanilla for smell.
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino so I can feel important.
Do you Smoke:	Only secondhand.
Do you Swear:	Like a trucker.
Do you Sing:	Badly.
Do you Shower Daily:	Sometimes twice if I'm being a freak.
Have you Been in Love:	I am in love.
Do you want to go to College:	Yes.
Do you want to get Married:	No, not really.
Do you belive in yourself:	I believe in myself and no one else
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Not really. I like going fast.
Do you think you are Attractive:	No. I think I'm fairly gross actually...all...awkward looking.
Are you a Health Freak:	No. I wish I was though.
Do you get along with your Parents:	I get along with my dad.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	I love to watch them and play out in them. Lightening is amazing.
Do you play an Instrument:	I used to play several. I gave them up.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Quit a bit actually.
In the past month have you Smoked:	Yeah, I actually have. But it wasn't a cigerette.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	I have.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yeah, it was lovely.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	I go to the mall too much.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No, I never eat Oreos.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	My dad tried to force me to. I screamed and ran away.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No...I have savage stagefright.
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No, thank god.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	I wish. Nudity kicks bum.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Naw, stealing is lame.
Ever been Drunk:	Yes.
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes.
Ever been Beaten up:	Yes.
Ever Shoplifted:	No. Stealing is lame.
How do you want to Die:	Alone and in pain.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	An artist and a designer.
What country would you most like to Visit:	Japan...ever so badly.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Blue
Favourite Hair Color:	It's all good.
Short or Long Hair:	Depends on the guy, medium to long currently.
Height:	Tall baby, like a skyscraper.
Weight:	Heroin chic.
Best Clothing Style:	Gutter punk, rock'n'roll', skater
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Many.
Number of CDs I own:	Tons
Number of Piercings:	0
Number of Tattoos:	0
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	Too many to name.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

paula
deepak



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