w.o.r.d.s.
Saturday, August 27, 5:11 p.m.
Whoa I'm getting slack with the updates. I bought some pretty new clothes today...I've been talking to Craig every day a lot, it's nice. I like keeping in contact with him more.
Ummm...I should be getting a computer for my room soon.
I have to get all my school supplies because I start up on the 1st. I'm kind of nervous but actually more excited.
I'll probably be scared when sept 1 actually comes...but I think it'll be all good.
Wednesday, August 24, 4:24 p.m.
Sandy's Song
-The Dresden Dolls
And the last thing I'd recall
Her body standing on the stone
Sandy wiping her grey eyes
I was pleased and frightened
To see a grownup woman cry
She blamed her housemaid for her mind
But I think they all knew it had to happen - some time.
I had rushed home from school
To see my favourite show
And as it happened, it was deadly cold that day
And as I peeled my mittens frozen to my wrists with snow
I swore I heard a voice come from the living room
And say:
"Oh...God
Oh...God
Oh...well..."
And when I peered into that room
My little abdomen took sick
Sandy hanging from the light
Her Levis wrapped around her neck
It was a sight to see
Old Sandy finally seeing me
And though she couldn't speak
I had a sinking feeling that she would have said:
"Oh, darling....more mascara?"
She looked so peaceful in the air
The lightbulb shining in her hair
Her face was free
It frightened me
She looked happy
I guess she found a difference
And I thought about the joke
Where the man keeps up his rotting wife
She had maggots in her mouth
I wondered if I would sleep that night
And then the car drove up
And then the car drove up
And I remember sleeping
And I remember sleeping...
And they wrapped her up and drove away
And now I have this crazy fantasy...
What if Sandy died in front of me?
Monday, August 22, 9:44 p.m.
I have a HUGE schoolgirl crush on Forrest Griffin and Chuck Liddell. Oh sweaty fighters, how I love thee.
I would totally hump them both.
, 1:58 p.m.
Alright so I'm trying to pretent that everything is all well and good and Craig will keep his promise blah blah blah.
But in the back of my mind I am constantly thinking, he lied once. What will stop him from lying again.
I feel bad not being able to trust him because I feel like he needs me to trust him.
I don't want to give up on him, but I worry that there's going to come a time when I should give up on him.
How am I supposed to know if that time comes if he lies to me? It's like...a circle of crap. I hate it. I'm so upset over this whole thing because everything was going so good. And now i feel like, even though we're still together now the relationship has changed dramatically. I feel like there's something missing now that we had before. And I can't figure out what it is.
I mean, there's trust missing. That's definately something, but there's something else. When I look at him I see a different person.
It's hard because I love him...gah...I just wish I could know for certain.
Instead of knowing nothing for sure. Because I really don't. I have to trust someone who doesn't deserve to be trusted right now.
I'm worried that it's going to make me always suspect he's lying, always suspect he's hiding something.
Only 10% of the problem here is that he actually did cocaine. The rest is the face that he lied and hid it from me.
I always knew there was a chance he'd do cocaine again, he never hid that from me. In fact, he told me that he probably would but that he'd tell him. I mean, it hurts to know he still occasionally does a drug that will eventually ruin him unless he quits. I don't want that for him, but what hurts the most is that he lied about it.
And maybe I should be more upset by the cocaine use, but I think the lying shows more about how he sees our relationship.
To me, if you're lying to your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband...whatever. Then you have no reason to be together at all. Because it shows you lack respect for them, for the relationship. Lying is a very self centered thing to do. Saying, "I didn't to hurt you." is a bullshit excuse. If you didn't want to hurt the person you wouldn't have done whatever it was you did. You didn't care about hurting the person, you just wanted to have it all and not have to deal with the consiquences.
And now I'm ranting so I'm going to go and watch some TV, let my brain melt...all that good stuff.
I guess I'm just still really quite angry. And that's something that I'll have to work through with time, or things will never be ok between me and Craig and things will end.
Friday, August 19, 7:12 p.m.
So last night I had a taaad bit of a meltdown...I guess it was justified.
I'm feeling a lot better today, and while things aren't perfect I've decided to look at the situation differently.
Ok so it was more than a tad bit of a meltdown. I totally lost it and hardly remember much of last night and I definately don't really remember writing any journal entries. I was shaking and crying. It wasn't good. I don't get that way a lot. Hell, I rarely RARELY ever cry. It's not my thing.
But anyways, plans have been made. I've said everything that I can say at the moment and now I have to just wait and see what happens.
I'm not someone who forgives easily. And I think he's definately learning that. Because like I told him, if he EVER pulls this shit again I'll be gone so fucking fast.
I wasn't even planning on sticking around this time, but I also don't give up on people I truly care about. That's just not my way.
Anyways, I'm back in Saskatoon...I think my freakout yesterday and not sleeping last night really burned me out and I can kind of feel a cold coming on.
Blah.
Thursday, August 18, 9:03 p.m.
Well...I really don't know what to think.
I found out that Craig has been doing coke. And, although it hasn't been...much...it has still be done.
He says it's been 3 times, and I've heard from someone else it has been 3 times. So...I guess I can believe it. But can I? I don't even know.
I don't know if anything he said was true. I want to believe him and I want to believe he can redeem himself.
I was so prepared to just walk away from him. To tell him to go fuck himself. But I really can't. I honestly love him, and even though I'm totally heartbroken right now. I can't just walk away.
Because if I walk away then I haven't even tried to help him. But if I try...at least I tried. Right?
And as I write this I realize how totally disgusted I am with the situation...with myself...with him. I hate cocaine. I hate everything about it. It's evil, it destroys people. I am so angry right now I can hardly think straight.
I am completely and utterly confused, I don't see any sollution that will make me happy and that's a scary thought.
I need someone to comfort me but I have no one because that one person that matters to me is the one who hurt me.
Right now, part of me hates him...and I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of this. Ever be able to trust him again.
Can I be in a relationship where I suspect him of lying all the time? Of course not.
But I can't think of a life without him. And yet I am. SO. ANGRY.
, 12:05 p.m.
music: Sevendust
mood:
Good lord Regina is...so boring now. I'm definately thinking about going back to Saskatoon tomorrow. There's really nothing to do here at all.
And plus my dad is on holiday's still in Saskatoon...and I wanna figure out the bus route to my school annnnd I want to paint the trim in my room...and everything.
I mean, I can't really see Craig much since his car is fucked stttraight to hell.
And hanging out with Rebecca just means sitting around while she's stoned...Breanna too, or Breanna wants to drink.
Cierra said we should do something, but she's nowhere to be found.
Nikki and Adrienne always work.
Jasmin isn't really around either.
Blah. I don't know. I really really need to get my license. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere and that pretty much sucks. I have people I talk to on msn, but no real friends. My family is fucked up and they're all insane.
Being up north at the fishing camp was really fun and I wish I was still there.
Everything is better when my sister is around and when she leaves I have to get used to it all over again. I hate it.
Wednesday, August 17, 3:53 p.m.
music: mindless self indulgence
mood:
Aaaaahahaha what the fuck...
Alright I'm in total spaz pervert mode right now. I totally blame...everyone who lets me act like this. You people shouldn't let me get away with this crap!
I made some HELLA strong coffee today and drank so much of it. Holy cow.
I can't type too well today, must be the coffee attack. Making me all twitchy.
So Craig got into an accident today, he's fine...but his car is fuckered.
Hopefully things get better for him, that boy needs to be more careful.
Regina is really boring, I'm tempted to run back to Saskatoon.
Shit I should've gone back this week anyways and finally got to do some driving and then I should've got my license. I'm dumb.
:(
Tuesday, August 16, 9:29 p.m.
Ummmm long time no post.
Been up north, that was fun. And cold. Freeeezing cold.
Now I'm in Regina until the 22. I got an e-mail from Deepak. That was pretty cool. Lucky bastard, getting to be in India.
Currently I'm watching Sin City, I just finished watching The Transporter.
Whoa now, I have a whole list of cheesy action movies that I want to see.
The Transporter 2
Ong-Bak
Domino
Kung Fu Hustle
Oh and I totally want to see La Femme Nakita still. That movie looks totally hot. Meow.
So I saw Craig today...heh...hehehe...heh..mmmm. I am SUCH a pervert.
So onto other news, Saskatoon isn't so bad.
I HAVE to get my license but I doubt I'll bother getting a car...too expensive.
I'll be applying at a Staples, Sarah can help me get a job. She's all pimp in that department. I'm just gonna dave up money to travel. And a car would be a drain on those funds.
So I'm recently into this whole...my body is a temple bullshit. Or...kinda. I have no desire at all to partake in any chemical or herbal fun. I really don't even want to drink.
It's all poison and I always knew that. I just recently decided to care. I don't know what it was.
And that is really all. Blah...blah blah.
Tuesday, August 9, 4:37 p.m.
music: Mindless Self Indulgence
mood:
-Vanilla coke is only good if it's diet. Diet pops are way better and anyone who disagree's will be taken out back and killed.
-I love Mindless Self Indulgence because it's nice and smashy and spastic...kind of like me.
-Hot pink is definately my favorite colour. And if it's sparkly...I'll DEFINATELY joygasm over it...if you don't, you're not cool.
-Um yeah, if I wasn't so freakishly tall I'd wear highheels all the time.
-I have 3 birds back in Regina that I feel really bad about leaving behind. :( They're pretty and badly behaved.
- I totally drew this badass dragon in paintshop for my friend because I'm that nice.

-I definately have enough caffiene in my system right now to kill a...buffalo.
-My new favorite drink is this...mounds of chocolate. It might as well be liquid speed.
-I pretty much hate most people and make fun of them in my mind.
-I'm a big geek and I spend way too much time locked away in my room reading.
-The people I live with...are too lame for words.
Sunday, August 7, 3:17 p.m.
FUCK.
I've been listening to too much Mindless Self Indulgence...see below.
Now too much Chimaira...the rage/violence/hate has set in.
I hate everyone.
Especially myself.
Saturday, August 6, 10:37 p.m.
i wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be pretty
i wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be pretty
i wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be pretty
i wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be pretty
i wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be pretty
i wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be pretty
i wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be-wanna be pretty
I never noticed
No, never noticed
You're so amazing
So a-amazing
I've never said it
No, never said
You're suffocating
Suffocating
I never noticed
No, never noticed
Your beauty's fading
F-f-fading
Friday, August 5, 7:49 p.m.
music: Aerosmith - Pink
mood:
I'm up then down then up then down. Right now I'm up, and it feels good. But I was down for most of the days...and the days before...there are far fewer moments when I'm up. I can't seem to control what's going on in my mind, I can't control the thoughts that come and go or the sudden anger I feel at someone for no particular reason. I can't control myself when the sudden extreme depression comes on. That's really the hardest. I shut down...I stop functioning. I just sit there are stare blankly...I can't even bother to read or write much.
It's hard to be so out of control especially when it comes to something like your emotions...your thoughts.
I really...really don't want to be like this all the time. But I also don't want to turn out to be one of those typical angsty teens who are all fucked up on anti-depressants.
Bah, that's all. I'm going out with Leanne tonight...some baseball game...some guy she wants to fuck.
Whatever. I want coffee.