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“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins

i am...
nineteen
five foot nine
blonde
i dream...
constantly
i love...
night time
water
glitter
whispers
red lipstick
high heeled shoes
glamour

I watch wayyy too many horror movies. It's gotta be completely unhealthy.
This weekend I watched the original Exorcist movie. For the millionth time. I really like it, it doesn't scare me yet at the same time it has the magical ability to keep me up alll fucking night.
Why?
The devil childs face. It haunts me so.
Since I'm a totally freakish organizer and neat-aholic I spent my weekend mostly organizing random rooms throughout the house, throwing shit out and cleaning. My room and the kitchen will never be the same again. I think the food cupboards freak everyone out now because of their unnatural order.
I actually washed the inside of the fridge out.
Does this make me a headcase?
Me and Loni went to the drive-in. Ate hidious amounts of junk food and acted like total farts. It was a good time. And I actually hung out with my stepsister.
There's large amounts of drama going on with my dad and stepmom. It's...stressful.
My dads talking about like...packing up and leaving her and she's talking about not wanting to get married anymore.
And she's in savage bitch mode.
I moved here to get away from constant screaming and fighting and I appear to have walked into The Horrible Divorce 2.
Whether or not they'll actually split up is unknown to me right now. I don't want to move again though, even if it's just to an appartment nearby.
Ahhhhhh I dunno.
Broke homes are so overrated.

garrett. says:
l'm going to graduate a virgin
.garrett. says:
do you realize how traumatizing that is?!
::eilla:: her color tv and her chemical smile. says:
You and like 80% of all other males.
.garrett. says:
that doesn't make it right
::eilla:: her color tv and her chemical smile. says:
Well get on the fricken bus and come to Saskatoon.
::eilla:: her color tv and her chemical smile. says:
And fix the whole virginity thing for you.
::eilla:: her color tv and her chemical smile. says:
Just don't get upset if I read a magazine the whole time...
.garrett. says:
thirty eight seconds isn't long enough to even get through the table of contents
::eilla:: her color tv and her chemical smile. says:
I'll flip fast.
::eilla:: her color tv and her chemical smile. says:
We can race to the finish
.garrett. says:
haha
.garrett. says:
l'll probably have sprint off the starting line before the race actually begins
::eilla:: her color tv and her chemical smile. says:
HAHAHAHA

This is what I love. What makes me smile. What makes everything that's wrong in the world completely inconsequential.
black and white movies, zombie flicks and 50's starlets,
makeup and shoes (especially the high heel version),
shopping, glitter, candles, incense, strong perfume,
overly priced fashion magazines, huge sunglasses,
gossiping, coffee houses, going out for supper,
the drive-in, smoke, campfires...fire in general,
loud music, quiet music and all the music in between,
black eye-shadow, red lips, long nails,
fishnets, trench coats, fake eyelashes,
the things that make a person mysterious,
free smiles and loud laugher,
stickers, buttons, plastic jewellery,
ray guns, aliens and the Space network,
sherbert, cookies and chick flicks,
fuzzy blankies, slippers and comfy chairs,
good books, good tea and a good rainy storm,
being catty in interior design class,
my friends, and even some of my family,
the smell after it rains, sunrises and sunsets,
bonfires on the beach, drums, dancing like a crazy hippie,
festivals, bellydancing, poi,
art, pencil crayons, paint, design,
knick-knacks, the color hot pink, mittens,
blogging, reading blogs, surfing the net,
travel. travel. travel.

There's so much in life that is beautiful, so much that makes me smile. Anything from an experience to a beautifully captured moment on film.
It's easy to forget, but all of this...no matter how small, makes me happy.
Makes the world a little more beautiful,
Makes the people a little more interesting.

I'll admit it too Chrystal

I admit I flop from being unhappy to happy on an hourly basis.
I admit that I dream about the future to the extent that I ignore the present.
I admit that I really really want a cat and I'm sad that my sisters boyfriend doesn't want one in the apartment.
I admit that I get really jealous of what others have.
I admit I find it easier to focus on the negative.
I admit that I secretly crave attention a lot.
I admit that I wish I had a close family.
I admit that I feel lonely a lot, especially in a crowd.
I admit I'm a really anxious person and hiding it all these years did nothing but damage.
I admit that I'm scared of a lot of things.
I admit that I'm too stubborn a lot of the time to let them get in the way.
I admit that I hate my body and my face.
I admit that I have fat days.
I admit that sometimes...I really love being tall, and I really love towering over people.
I admit that sometimes being tall makes me feel powerful.
I admit that sometimes I enjoy being a huge bitch...and I admit that I usually feel guilty after.
I admit I wish more people told me I was beautiful (shallow much?)
I admit I worry about fucking up my life and going nowhere, especially when I'm trying to go to sleep at night.
I admit watching romantic comedies is a favorite thing to do.
I admit watching Extreme Home Makeover makes me want to cry sometimes.
I admit that I wish I was a lot more charitable and I want to go to New Orleans and help rebuild houses but even that seems really impossible.
I admit I think most people are idiots and I'm always right...even thought that's rarely the case.
I admit I feel better about myself when I skip a meal.
I admit I wish I were a more spiritual person, I envy people who have that kind of support in their life, even though I think it's all a lie.
I admit I can be really really selfish and materialistic and that shopping makes me feel happy.
I admit I don't miss drinking or getting high at all anymore, and I find it boring when people talk about their fucked up exploits...I also think these people are idiots.
I admit my dad pisses me off all the time because he's totally hypocritical and likes to make people feel stupid.
I admit that my dad probably doesn't even realize what he's doing.
I admit that I feel there's nothing left for me here and I'm totally ready to move on.
I admit that I think most people were too lazy or too scared to force their dreams to come true, and now they feel the need to give out their cynical old fart point of view whenever a young person expresses that they have dreams they wish to come true.
I think these people are jealous of the youth they lost and they want to beat it out of others...

And in closing.

I admit Chrystal's blog inspired me to write this and I'm a total idea stealer.

Well my cousin was rushed to Saskatoon yesterday in an ambulance.
She had been in Africa doing humanitarian work, and I guess she got malaria.
It must've just showed up the day before yesterday, and now she's getting treated.
She's in ICU, I'm not sure which hospital. But my aunt and uncle and her boyfriend stayed with us last night, and might again tonight depending.
The doctors said there might be some complications because it's such a bad case.
Anyways, I guess there's nothing to say except I hope she gets better.
I hope there aren't any complications.
It sucks to see how upset my auntie is, I think this hit her the hardest.

Read this

And follow the links she has posted to this
and then this


Dylan and I have broken up. This time is it definately for good. I don’t know what’s sadder, a relationship that ends because 1 person wants it too and the other is crushed, or a relationship that just...ends. Where there’s no strong emotions, no tears shed, nothing. And even though there’s no harsh emotions you know that a friendship is still near impossible. Because no matter how hard you tried, there was no way in hell it would work.
I personally think that’s the saddest way for something to end. And I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong...but I believe there should always be passion in everything that you do, and passion in everyone that you know. It makes me sad when there isn’t any at all.
Yes, we got along and yes, we enjoyed each others company. There was just nothing there. No...profound conversations, no love, no laughter. There wasn’t anything negative either. We didn’t really fight, we’d discuss sometimes...that’s it. But I’m 18, I don’t want to discuss things. Maybe that’s stupid.
So now I’m free again, and I don’t feel any different. I think my dad will be more upset to hear we broke up than either of us...

Now to change the subject completely...

I’ve been reading a few other (what I guess I will call) professional blogs. Or more, people who are really writers in the truest sense. People who have made me laugh and nearly cry because of the stories they tell so perfectly. I don’t know how they do it. If it’s the flow of the words they use, the personality they pour into every entry...the quick wit? I don’t know.
I want to be that. I’ve always wanted to be that. I want that in my everyday life too. I want to be someone who is charismatic, kind and understanding. Someone who has tons of life experience, and can, not solve problems, but dispense truly good advice. I want to be creative and free spirited, to not give a fuck about what others thing. And I want that to make me beautiful.
When I look in the mirror, I don’t really feel ugly because of how I look physically, but I feel ugly because I’m not the person I want to be. I’m not the person that I feel I could be if I just stopped being afraid. I feel ugly because I can’t meet peoples eyes when I talk to them, I come off as quiet and mousey when I’m not that at all...I feel ugly because I’m not happy with where I am in life and I should be.

Now to change the subject completely again...

I’m getting aggrivated. There’s people who I used to be friends with who are upset that I haven’t “kept in touch” with them since moving. They accuse me of being the one to put forth no effort at all. And maybe I haven’t put forth as much as humanly possible. But here’s the thing, I leave my home to come back. I take the bus, 2 sometimes 3 times a month. I tell people when I’m going to be in town, give them my number and have them call me when they’re free.
Usually no one phones.
And not one person has come to visit me.
It can’t be an expense thing, they get free food and a place to stay.
Yet I’m the bad guy, it’s my fault.
I didn’t call someone to tell them I was in town one time when I was just there for my grandma’s birthday and they tell me their giving up on me.
Whatever man. That’s your choice. Soon enough I'll be really fucking far away.

I finally bought shirts!!! HUZZUH!

I will be gone in...roughly 85 days.
Fuck you Saskatchewan.

This smothering, suffocating, endlessly placid existence. Cheap experience. Constant compliance, confusion and stillness. Nothing goes together and nothing fits.
There's an inibility to change a situation, to move forward.
It's contorted into extreme anger.
I feel as if I need to escape.
This is going to be the death of me.

Buckcherry - Crazy Bitch
(nothing insightful I just love the song)

All right!

Break me down, you got a lovely face
We're going to your place
And now you got to freak me out
Scream so loud, getting fuckin' laid
You want me to stay, but I got to make my way

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Take it off, the paper is your game
You jump in bed with fame
Another one night paid in full, uh
You're so fine, it won't be a loss
Cashing in the rocks, just to get you face to face

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Get the video
Fuck you so good
Get the video
Fuck you so good

Crazy bitch
Crazy bitch
Crazy...bitch

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back, come on

Baby girl
You want it all
To be a star
You'll have to go down
Take it off
No need to talk
You're crazy
But I like the way you fuck me

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
You keep me right on

You're crazy
But I like the way you fuck me

Stop the anger and the sadness.
Stop fearing touch, breath, everything.
I don't fucking know.

I'm battling a cold, a sinus...thing. Everyone seems to have it. I don't feel sick, I just have a runny nose and a cough. I suppose I can handle that.
I hate entries where all I do is blather on about what's going on in my life...there's no real thought in it.
But sometimes that's all I've got, and right now...that's all I've got.
I'm doing a lot of homework now. Perhaps because it's getting close to midterms (in fact I have my history midterm tomorrow, I just finished the essay I need for it).
I've been...going to school, hanging out at school, shopping, planning.
It's all fairly boring but it isn't bad.
Tomorrow I have my hippy-voodoo therapy session and then I go to Regina to work the sports show. Then I come back and on Monday I have no normaly therapy session.
Such is life.
I want a Jeep, a black one with big tires.
Wee.

I can't honestly say that I've ever thought through much of my life...if there wasn't a path already determined for me I just blundered along. Usually making a mess of things.
And it never really bothered me. Well that is until one rainy day (or whatever) I woke up, and realized I have no fucking clue why I am doing what I am do...or where I am going with my life.
I have spent most of my life consciously or unconsciously idolizing my sister.
I spent the most time with her growing up, she was impossibly cool and totally badass but succeeded easily at everything she did. Things came her way and she made it seem effortless.
People have always commented on how similar we are. Our taste in everything, the way we look, think and speak. My entire life has been about how we are so much alike.
Maybe it's my own fault, but I've always felt destined to follow in her footsteps. And for years I had myself convinced that...I wasn't doing that. I was just doing what I love.
But this year, even starting last year, I began to question what it is that I love. Sure, a lot of things I enjoy my sister does too. And sure, a lot of the things she wants to do with her life, I do too.
I think that a lot of my anxiety problems and lack of self confidence have to do with the fact that I've never really found myself. The people I was around when growing up never really showed me that there was this whole world out there I had to discover for myself.
I think that explains a lot about why I've done a lot of the things I've done. I was desperately trying to experience life for myself, by myself. Fuck everyone else, what do they know.
And the one thing I REALLY learned was that they don't know anything. And they can't tell me what to do with myself, and I can't expect them too.
I always thought that I would go into art in university, I do enjoy art...but is it really something I want to pursue career wise? This whole english teaching thing has really opened up my eyes. I want my life to involve travel, and adventure and...everything. Learning new languages, seeing insane/distant/beautiful/dangerous places.
I have never really been pleased staying in one place at a time. That isn't who I am. Art...it's self expression, but it isn't who I am. It's something I am capable of, but I will never be a true artist until I find myself...and this is turning into a blithering rant.
I was looking thought the UCFV course options. And...what I wanted really jumped out at me. Studying cultures and language. That's what I want.
I think that by following this, and letting it change and adapt...I think that really finally realizing who I am will get rid of a lot of anxiety.
I'm no longer apprehensive about the future, I no longer don't care.
I am excited. And I'm happy.

I think there was in fact a time when I had something interesting to say, did interesting things.
There was a time when I was one of those people who were ok with where they were in life an were working towards the future normally, not...stopped. Waiting for it to arrive.
I know that I'll never accomplish anything just waiting.
And so I took the steps to plan out exactly when I'll move in with my sister.
It was going to be in September, but now my sister wants me there right after I graduate. And I'm starting to think...yea...that's when I'll go.
So instead of moving in 5 months it's now 3.
I'm not nervous about this, I'm not worried. Moving is easy, starting new is the easiest thing a person can do and sometimes it's the greatest blessing.
I would love to keep in touch with those people in my life who were/are important to me. But, most of them couldn't keep in touch when I moved just 2 hours away. Across the country...impossible. And I know it wasn't just their fault, I could've worked harder.

These days I feel like there's nothing left here for me. I have met many people and done many things and taken what little from those experiences that I could.

And maybe moving again isn't going to be the thing that makes my life perfect, and I'll just meet some more people and do some more things that'll let me grow a bit from the little experiences.

I don't know anymore, and I don't want to know anymore. My new plan for the future is this.
Just keep moving, keep doing, keeping changing. Accept all challanges that come your way, do everything that you want to do, or think you want to do. Don't be afraid to go places you're not comfortable and pretty soon the future will be the present and the present will be the past.

In the end it doesn't matter who I meet, or what I do. Because it'll all come to pass. And when I'm old and crotchety, sitting in a rocking chair, barking at my grandchildren to shut the fuck up, I want to have some stories. Some wild and crazy adventures.

And if none of those stories are ever about how I made my fortune, or settled down once and for all and had the perfect wedding, if they're never about anything comfortable or fairy tail happy...that's ok. Because I'll have stories, and I'll make the little bastards listen to them. And hopefully they wont turn out to be idiots.

paula
deepak



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