w.o.r.d.s.
Thursday, March 30, 10:27 p.m.
I got back from my first session with this therapist.
It waseverything I expected. And nothing. It was boring.
she wants me to go to another therapist and get this bodytalk(?) thing done.
It's so that maybe I can actually start sleeping.
This lack of sleep is fucking with my head. It isn't cool, so I really hope it works.
I dunno what to say right now or ever.
Wednesday, March 29, 2:51 p.m.
Ahhhh I can't wait for the weekend. I think I'll be going to Regina. I just want to get out and DO something.
Plus, 13th Ave. It's warm now, warm enough to wander the strip. Hah.
Bunks talking about her and Jordan comin up sometime this week, maybe it can be orchestrated that they come up on Thursday and I go back with them on Friday. That would be swell.
I need to buy some spring shirts. The 1 problem with being so DAMN cheap is your clothes fall apart fast.
I bought another shitty but cute purse today at lunch. That was swag.
I've got shitloads of homework to do that I really don't want to do, mostly it's reading for english, the book is horribly boring and I want to claw my eyes out while reading it.
Tuesday, March 28, 9:52 p.m.
Lately I've been listening to a lot of hip-hop. I think it's the spring weather.
I think everyone should listen to some Sweatshop Union.
So download: Stolen Memories
Try
Broken Record
Radio Edit
I'm currently reading a book called Old Souls. It's about this guy that is...or did, investigate claims of reincarnation. These weird stories about small children claiming to be someone else. Some of them start speaking at a very young age, full, fluent sentences. They know all these strange details about this past life. And it's a life recent enough that the facts can be checked. They recognize "family" members.
It's really weird, I don't know if I believe it all but it's definately interesting.
And it's well written so if you're a complete sketic it's still worth reading because it's a good story.
And ya...other than that I haven't got much to say.
But I can't wait until the first warm rain.
That leaves everything smelling so fresh. So spring.
Monday, March 27, 3:25 p.m.
I love the weather right now, I truly do. I could seriously have my shins broken, and it would be alright because it's so sunny and warm out. I'd be like...oh well, and then I'd chill.
I finally got some new pants that are, Oh MY GOD, actually long enough for me.
And, they're not only that, they're TOO long for me. I shat myself. An event like this comes along rarely, if ever.
Apperantly in this world if you're taller than...5'5, you're fucked.
They make clothes wider but not longer.
I really want to go down to Broadway and wander the stores for a good few hours, with a few caffinated breaks in between.
Uhhhh I definately found some fellow lovers of ANTM at school, finally! FINALLY!
I dunno, I'm just really happy right now. And really energetic. I want to stay feeling like this forever, and...I think I MAY have to booty dance to loud music again.
Sunday, March 26, 8:11 p.m.
I am so extremely restless these days.
It's getting to be spring and I'm getting to be insane. I need to just get OUT.
I want to go and do things, I'm so bored of school right now. And so bored of the people I go to school with.
The more and more that I sit still the more irrational I get, the more times of anger I have.
The people I talk to on a day to day basis are just frustrating me to no end...it's like, I just want all of them to...I dunno. Stop being so dull, so negative, so...sooooo...form fitted.
And these...THESE are the underpants.
Or at least some of them.
Saturday, March 25, 8:37 p.m.
Is it wrong that I'm eating a bowl full of sprinkles for supper on a Saturday night? Cause I can guarentee this is as good as it's going to get for me.
So...sprinkles and coffee.
Someone needs to save me from myself.
I had another like...complete and utter rage fit. I'm well aware it was completely ridiculous on some level, but on another level (the crazy one, the controlling one) IT WAS REASONABLE! AAAHHHHHH DEATH DEATH KILL KILL!
My dad told me to take a pill. Haha, NOT funny. Try telling him that though.
...My house is creeping me out...I might go sleep on the street tonight.
Thursday, March 23, 10:01 p.m.
Picked up my prescription, going to get some bloodwork done soon. They're checking to see if my thyroid is a big spaztard.
I'm tired. I want to watch America's Next Top Model and eat brownies...while being wrapped in a blankie that has hot water bottles stuffed inside.
That sounds pretty much glorious to me.
I've got quite a bit of english homework to do, my own fault for falling behind.
And I guess I should go ahead and do my dreaded history test (the second one).
It's about time and I'm sure Ferguson is running out of patience (which is justified).
My new favorite song is Burn In Hell by Dimmu Borgir.
It isn't new...just newly a favorite.
And I have to go let Stinky Monkey inside, she's probably freezing her fat, cancer-ridden ass off.
Wednesday, March 22, 3:32 p.m.
I went to the doctor today.
I was prescribed Lorazepam for if I have to get into a situation that I know causes anxiety attacks (like presentations) or if I start to get the feeling of being all panicky. It's appernatly pretty similar to Valium, but you take it in smaller doses.
I have to be really careful with it because it's definately habit forming, if takin with alcohol I could have a seizure (I haven't drank in a long ass time so that doesn't really matter cause I doubt I will)...etc etc etc.
Anyways, soon enough I'll be going to a counselor, working with coping methods and all that fun stuff. And if things don't get better within 4 weeks I'll be put on a more perminent medication, not just taken when needed at the moment.
Tuesday, March 21, 3:26 p.m.
I've been thinking that maybe finally going to a counselor and all that fun stuff might be a good idea.
After reading up more on anxiety disorders and panic attacks...all that jazz. I've realized that a lot of the problems I've been having for years (like since gr.6) tie in quite nicely.
Things that I wouldn't really have guessed have to do with an anxiety disorder.
-Restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge
-Being easily fatigued
-Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank
-Irritability
-Muscle tension
-Sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless unsatisfying sleep)
Anyone who lives with me or knows me at all knows that's pretty much me.
And apperantly weird things like my fear of eating in front of people (somethign I was pretty much able to work through) all plays in.
And APPERANTLY cleaning your room in the middle of the night isn't normal.
Who knew.
Monday, March 20, 3:05 p.m.
So today in english I had a panic attack. It was really quite scary and even now I'm kind of feeling the after effects.
I had to do a presentation, and I got through that without passing out. But instead of having the feelings disappear they kept getting worse and worse. My skin got all blotchy red and I couldn't breathe. Everything was going black and I was shaking so badly my desk was ratteling. Eventually, when I trying to talk to Mr. Mang afterwards I just kind of broke down crying.
And I do not cry lightly.
I was really scared because I couldn't breathe, and my chest was really tight feeling...it hurt.
It took a good hour to recover and for the rest of the day I felt spent. Like I had just run a marathon. I also had a really bad headache.
I think I should probably go see a doctor about this jazz.
It's starting to be a problem when I'm around a lot of people, or driving in lots of traffic. And the driving thing isn't cool, I don't want to black out in the middle of rush hour traffic.
Sunday, March 19, 5:31 p.m.
Uhhhh I was in Regina this weekend.
It was really boring...family gathering junk.
I hate families.
I got last years yearbook...it sucks, but my picture is truly sexy so...whatever man.
Wednesday, March 15, 6:30 p.m.
phil says:
hey does andrew still live with you?
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
No. But he's here now. Vegetating in the basement
phil says:
whats he up to these days?
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
Absolutely nothing.
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
He vegetates.
phil says:
i wonder if he'd be the type to stalk people
phil says:
he seems like he could pull that off
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
He wasn't even capable of making himself canned soup.
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
He's way to lazy to stalk someone.
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
That would involve caring.
phil says:
hell, you say that like its some small feat
phil says:
the soup thing
phil says:
i can totally sympathise with that
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
Being completely useless must be a guy thing.
phil says:
aaaaaahaha
phil says:
hahahha
phil says:
its not so much that as i'm nearly impartial to food, so I'm not really willing to go out of my way for it
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
So it's more like an advanced form of laziness.
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
Like AIDS to HIV
phil says:
well, kind of....i'd go more with supreme complacency
phil says:
you have such a beatiful way of putting things.... you should be some sort of poet or something.... i'd bet money you could induce suicide
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
Hahahahahaha
::eilla:: || i'm a nihilist raised on violence || says:
I do my best.
phil says:
ti shows, it really does
, 5:59 p.m.
Alright, the Mary Kay lady is pretty much after me. As much as I would like to work on my own terms, make some money and deal with pretty makeup I don't really...care that much. Nor do I want to work for a company thats motto is something about god...and family. I don't believe in either.
I dropped art today. This saddens me. But it needed to be done due to my missing so much school and having to deal with classes that I need to pass so I can actually graduate. Because...not being in highschool anymore would be neat.
Things with Dylan are good again, in fact, they're better. There's actual effort on both our sides this time, which is nice.
I really wasn't wanting anything more than some effort.
Annnnd other than that...I don't know. I just finished a few hours of homework, it was grand. I feel like I accomplished something. I like that feeling.
I'm hungry, I think I'll go make super supper.
Saturday, March 11, 9:24 p.m.
Alright I think I'm finally done all of my backed up homework. I just have to write the two tests in History and I'm home free.
Today I worked all day at the sports show. It was devilishly boring, more so than most years because there just weren't many people interested in talking or...anything. Turn out was pretty bad too.
But I did talk to this lady running the Mary Kay booth, and she's totally calling me on Monday or sometime next week to talk about my getting a job selling makeup.
Squeal, I love makeup. And...like...pink cars. Totally.
Hahaha, oh god. What am I turning into.
I've clearly eatin far too much cotton candy to be healthy.
Anywho, I'm off to watch Domino...should be good.
P.S. I'm still a complete loner.
Thursday, March 9, 2:54 p.m.
So I guess this weekend I'll probably be working the sports show mostly.
Lots of...talking to people who are icky and not being able to leave the confines of whatever cursed building it's being held in.
I'm currently eating the spiciest noodles known to man, they're actually causing me intense pain. But...so good.
I'm still cramming away at homework trying my best to keep up, it's really hard through and it's causing much stress.
Wednesday, March 8, 3:55 p.m.
I'm sure a lot of people are going to be very disappointed in me.
And I'm sure they have every right.
When Dylan came over last night we talked for a really long time.
He's decided to stay in Saskatoon, and pretty much the first words out of his mouth were how sorry he was, not just for the breakup, but for before too.
He said that the whole time he was driving to Alberta all he really thought about was what I had said to him, and he told me that he knew that he had ruined things.
At this point, I wasn't in the mood to be the nicest person around, so basically I ripped him a new one (again) and...oddly enough (especially for him considering how proud he is) he didn't disagree once.
We're trying things out again. Because I believe in giving people second chances if they don't royally fuck up. I figure, I gave a coke head a second change, I can give him one too.
Has this made all of the shit I've been feeling these past few days go away? No. I think the breakup did trigger them, but that it wasn't the only cause. There is a lot of stuff that I have to deal with.
A lot of people have been telling me that I shouldn't bother dating Dylan because he'll eventually leave again. And all I can say to that is, so what? I'm not planning on sticking around here in Saskatoon for long, and I don't think that he should have to either. If things work out this time, then maybe (but probably not, I am a realist after all) we will move on together.
If not then, since having the talk I had with him I think I'll be better at dealing with things. I'm not scared to give him shit anymore, and I don't worry about telling him what I'm feeling. I think that was a huge problem before, I didn't want to admit to him that I wasn't happy.
And, if things don't change at all despite what he says, he's gone. Which is what I told him. I believe in 2nd chances, but nothing beyond that. I keep blaiming my emotional instability on other people, and that's not fair. If I let someone make me unhappy, let them control me...or whatever. That's my fault, and it shows that I'm the weak person. Maybe you're all right and I shouldn't be with him, if that's the case, then things will fuck up soon enough. And I've got a short fuse so he'll know about it (and his ears will bleed from the yelling).
Tuesday, March 7, 7:56 p.m.
Alright, today is a new day.
Ummm what to say what to say
I haven't told any of my family that I am no longer dating Dylan. It just seems like...so awkward to bring it up. I'm not really close to any of them like that and I don't want to be questioned. Because, how annoying would that be.
I hate people.
WHOA WHOA WHOA
Mid blogging update.
I'm talking to Dylan, he's back in Saskatoon (no luck with work) and he's asking to hang out.
I'm going to assume he just wants to hang as friends but I dunno.
Ah, god. I dunno. This is...stressful.
It was easier when he was gone and I could be bitter.
Monday, March 6, 3:44 p.m.
“I think about the meaning of pain. Pain is personal. It really belongs to the one feeling it. Probably the only thing that is your own. I like mine.”
-Henry Rollins
Today was harder than I thought it would be.
The feeling like crap is just...sticking around.
I almost feel used. I don't know if I rightfully can, but I do. I feel like...if he knew the whole time that this was just a temporary thing and that he would be leaving no matter what...and if he knew that he wasn't ever really looking for anything long term. Then, why not just say that at the start instead of giving false hopes and talking about how disappointed he'd be if we broke up just because he went to work.
I feel like he left out some pretty important information just so that he could get his jollies for awhile and then move on.
And maybe I have no right to feel that way. After all I had a say in things too. And it is probably better that we did break up, he's a nice guy but was never really a good boyfriend. I think he put it pretty well when he said he was just...lazy about relationships. Finds it hard to care.
I guess I pity his next girlfriend. Unless he has a sudden change of personality.
I think this has kind of hit me hard because for the last little while I've been feeling really alone. And this is just...confirming that feeling.
As stupid and pathetic as it sounds, I'm kind of nervous about being without a boyfriend right now. I felt like...he was the one person here that I had.
I'm a loser. I need some friends.
Sunday, March 5, 11:16 p.m.
So I guess I have a bit of a spine after all...I'm kind of at a loss for words right now (and I don't really know why), so I'll do my best with this entry.
Dylan and I broke up tonight...maybe half an hour ago. I just told him that I didn't want to date someone who had no intention of ever coming back.
I don't want to be sitting at home with these false hopes, only to get a phonecall from him saying that he's moved on and that it's over.
That would be a waste of time for me, and more pain than is necessary.
I feel kind of strange right now, part of my isn't as sad as I thought I would be...and another part. I just feel down. I don't know if it's because of the breakup or not.
I think these past two weeks have been really hard on me and this is kind of a final blow.
I saw Dylan two ways, the real way and...the way I wanted him to be.
You see, our relationship wasn't exactly the most passionate thing. We just weren't crazy about each other, we weren't in love. But there was a kind of...comfort between us, almost a sense of stability. Which I guess was more of a laziness than anything.
Anyways,
the real Dylan was distant and not wanted to get attached. From the start he had a limit to this relationship and, had we not ended things tonight, he certainly would have and it probably would have been fairly soon. It kind of makes me a bit angry because it makes me think that the whole time we were dating he was keeping his options open, just in case a better, newer, thinner, prettier, funner, girl came long. Half the time I felt like I was just around for his entertainment when he had exhausted all other options...
And then there was this
imaginary Dylan who may not have been a complete illusion, it was just the guy he chose to be when it suited him. Sweet, attentive, concerned. This is where the stability and comfort fit in. I kind of looked at him like this guy who I could live with. I didn't see him enough to get sick of him, there wasn't really any passion so there wasn't any fighting...it seemed...do-able.
And when he showed that site I totally forgot about the other side. Forgot how lonely I would feel when I wouldn't hear from him for days, or how it felt when he'd talk to me on the phone like it was slowly killing him and he just had to escape.
I think I'm just sad that I wasn't able to get things right again.
It seems like if a relationship isn't blowing up in my face and an actual danger to me, I'm just not good enough.
I'm not interesting enough, I'm not really all that pretty (and no, I'm not hunting for compliments so please no gibbering fake flattery to make me feel good), I know I'm kind of chubby and that's a huge no no.
As of late I've just kind of felt like...I have no qualities that are worth staying for. I'm not even average, I'm...blah.
I feel run down. I'm stressed out, worried, and not the most healthy person still (post-op weakness still hanging around). I'm tired. Emotionally, physically.
Tomorrow is school and I don't know, I'm already running on empty.
I don't really know what to do.
Saturday, March 4, 9:17 p.m.
My god, this is my 3rd post tonight. I guess I've just got a lot on my mind. Tonight is one of those times when I'm sad.
I think I made the mistake of thinking that I could change my life for the better. And that pretty much fell through. Things are not better, and in a lot of ways they're worse.
I thought I could change things to make myself happier. And I haven't.
I moved and left everyone behind that I was close to. And most of them have faded away.
And no one here...I haven't made any true friends. It's all very fleeting and shallow and fake.
And for the first time in my life I've felt really truly lonely.
I am alone here, there is no one I can confide in. Except for a computer screen.
It makes me feel like shit for the most part and it makes me feel stupid.
It's not difficult for me to make friends, it never has been.
But now...nothing takes. It's like I'm not really here.
I'm not even close to my boyfriend, who's so hellbent on leaving I don't even think he remembers I exist half the time.
I think I'm going to break up with him...I think I lie when I say that.
I have no spine.
I've done everything stupid in my life, everything that gets you nowhere.
And I've never felt accomplishment because I've always just fucked things up.
And everyone says that things will change when I graduate.
But I'm so scared that I'm going to spend my life waiting for this magical change to happen.
When things start happening and I star living my life instead of waiting.
And I'm scared that I'm going to die unhappy.
Because all I did was wait.
, 3:07 p.m.
My favorite...~*~ Day of the week is Saturday (obviously), because I can watch cartoons and rock out eating pancakes and drinking coffee.~*~ Season. I love autumn. It has the best holidays (Thanksgiving and Halloween) and it's the perfect time to go hiking in the valley. The changing colours of the leaves actually is the best thing ever. Plus walking through all the fallen ones is fun, I'm still a kid in the way that I like to make them crunch under food.~*~ Food...well I honestly love food. Desert wise...I'm not gonna lie, it's definately cheesecake. For a meal, chicken fettuchini alfredo with a ceaser salad is fairly glorious. And as for candy, I'm addicted to Mini eggs. I need to stock up on them this time of year.I love...~*~ High heel shoes. Which is ridiculous because I'm so tall. But I don't care. They're my favorite footwear.~*~ Movies. Old and new. Old preferably, or asia extreme. Black and white horror is where it's at though. Cat People and Return Of The Cat People are some gooders. ~*~ Rainy days in the summer time. The grey sky makes everything look so much more green. And the sound of rain on glass is so pretty. I like sitting by a window with a blanket, a book and some tea. That's pretty much a perfect lazy day right there.I dream of...~*~ Traveling and living in another country for awhile. And not a country that's been westernized. China, India...somewhere like that. Anywhere. I think it would be so depressing to stay in 1 country for your whole life.~*~ Living in an old house with stone walls on the outside and a huge garden all around the house. With big oak staircases and a huge fireplace. So that it's all warm and cozy feeling...with lots of homemade things and art everywhere.~*~ Making a living with fashion and arts. I think an office job might kill me. Working from home would be good...I love to create things. My own clothing line would be a dream.I'm afraid...~*~ Never getting out of Canada. Being too scared to go through with teaching english and just staying in Saskatoon forever. I'm scared that I'm going to give up on my dreams because someone tells me I can't, or that things'll get hard. I only pretend to be a strong person, and I'm scared because I'm not.~*~ That I'm not good enough to actually get anywhere with my art. I feel as if my skills stopped developing a long time ago, I look around and there so many people who technically and otherwise are just...legues ahead of me. I feel like I could never compete with them and that I'm just not creative enough to think up anything new.~*~ Spiders. It sounds stupid, but I'm really actually quite terrified of them. They make me want to puke and run screaming. Even pictures of spiders freak me out. Fuck I'm a sissy.Sometimes...~*~ I get incredibly sad and lonely for reasons I don't really know and I find it hard to function like a human being.~*~ I just want to get fucking drunk. But I quit so I can't so instead I hate myself. And sometimes I think getting fucking drunk is your only hope for a social life. People are tools.~*~ I just want it to be summertime at the park with all the skids from hell.
, 12:43 p.m.
Yay for me. Victory! I was finally able to get a pretty blog skin AND enable my comments so I don't have to use a fucking tagboard.
It was suprising easy to do, I don't know why it took me this long to figure it out.
Oh wait...I'm a retard. That's why.
, 8:41 a.m.
Well he's leaving again.
Same deal, off to find someplace to work.
It doesn't bother me as much this time most likely because I've done it before.
But it's still annoying that I can't really get a straight answer from him (not that he really KNOWS any answers this time).
I just really don't want to be dating some guy who fucks off to another province, and ends up having no intention of ever coming back here. Which is most likely going to be the case.
I don't know. Breaking up with him isn't really what I want to do, but I don't think that staying together is really much of an option.
I also think that I'd be able to end it without much regret.
What I get from him is that his commitment level with this thing is...basically nill.
I don't think he's really looking at it like a relationship, more of a time filler. Or something to do when he's in the dreaded province of Saskatchewan.
And if that's not exactly the case, well, I guess he should've learned to show things differently.
Anyways. We'll see what happens.
And if it ends it ends.
Thursday, March 2, 11:59 a.m.
Yesterday my throat started to bleed, and I had to go to emergency and get it all stitched up.
It basically sucked.
I wasn't really numbed properly when the stitching began...I got 4 in all.
And afterwards I was in a shitload of pain but now I'm doing alright.
I feel better than I have since I got them out.
