get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box



“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins

i am...
nineteen
five foot nine
blonde
i dream...
constantly
i love...
night time
water
glitter
whispers
red lipstick
high heeled shoes
glamour

I had gotten used to the idea of Dylan going to Alberta. But now, I find out he's going to BC.
I guess the difference really isn't that big, but it definately feels like it.
I'm extremely tired right now. I know I should be working on my homework, but I really have no energy.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing for the whole biology assignment.
I'll finish it eventually I guess.
Ummm...ya. I don't really have anything else to say.
I'm just lonely and feeling like shit.

It's getting closer to Christmas time. I just made my list...well, it's not really a list. It's more of an e-mail describing the type of stuff that I like, and giving links.
The family insists, otherwise I'll be shot dead.
It doesnt really feel like Christmas. I don't feel like I'm with my family.
I don't see the people I live with as family. I don't see my mom as family. Pretty much the only one that I really consider family is my sister.
She wont be around though.
I've gotten more bad news about alot of my friends from Regina.
One has a damaged liver due to drinking. She's 17. She isn't going to quit because she thinks it's stupid.
2 more people commited suicide.
One of my best friends since gr.7 is smoking crack. He was practically my brother, and now I'm waiting for him to die.
Another is addicted to cocaine now, just like her mom.
She's also joined the army of the Eraser Heads.
Everyone's doing E and Acid.
Everyone is doing coke.
Crack, meth and heroin are starting to rise up.
I think Sara said it best when she said, "No one else I know has a shoebox full of programs from all the funerals that took place in the past month."
Number of people to quit doing drugs that I know? 3. That's including myself.
That's it.

Today we did a rat disection in Biology.
I played with its brains.
I feel like shit, I desperately need sleep.
I don't know what I want anymore when it comes to anything.
I'm so tired of making choices.

Today we watched a rat disection in Biology.
I threw up in my mouth when they did the first cut because it spilled blood everywhere.
Mr.Binner explained that happened because the rat was fresh.
Tomorrow we have to do the disection ourselves.

Tonight I guess we're going to talk. I don't know what's going to be said, or have the slightest clue what the outcome may be.
I'm really worried...I don't know why.
But on a happier note, school is so fucking easy.
I sit in the library and sleep for one class, sit in a classroom and sleep for the next and in my last class we've been watching movies all week and shall continue to do so.
And tomorrow is a shortened day.
Sexcellent.
Also, Loni totally molested my right boob today. Apperantly the left one is a snob.

Dylan is going back to work in Alberta with Kandon and Andrew.
He leaves on Monday.
I guess I should've known something like this would happen.
I kind of want to cry. But I can't...or wont.
Whatever.
I only want the guys that I can't have I guess.

I find myself staying home so much now that I live in Saskatoon.
At first it was because I didn't have anyone to go out with...but now I've made friends and I feel like I should be out with them, doing things.
But I'm not. And for the most part, I really don't want to be.
Going out with them is usually more lonely than staying home alone.
Why? I have no clue. Everything is so different from Regina. Not different in a bad way, and I dealt with the move fine. I just...don't like it as much?
Everyone here has money, everyone gets what they want all the time.
I don't want to turn into that. When I was living in Regina, sure everything was a piece of shit. But I was closer to my friends for that. We really, REALLY needed each other. And I could tell them about anything, and they could tell me.
It feels like here everyone only talks about getting drunk, buying things and what they're getting from their parents.
I have such a small interest in all that.
I mean, I am glad to be away from all the drama in Regina. And all the unhealthy relationships I had with people. I know my lifestyle there wasn't a good one, and I don't really want to go back to it.
But at least it was real.

Having not grown up with family that I'm very close to, I learned to do without.
When I moved from my moms place, to my dads, I thought things would be different.
But now, I realize that I spent more time with my dad when I lived 3 hours away from him than I do now.
He got what he wanted, in that I'm no longer living with my mother.
And like most material things, he's grown bored and no longer feels the need to pay attention to me.
Now, don't get me wrong. This isn't something that I'm complaining about. I don't dislike my dad or anything. I kind of figured this is how it would turn out, and I was right.
It's just that, people don't understand why it takes me so long to trust them.
Or why I'm so cautious about getting into relationships.
A lot of people have accused me of being cold-hearted. I don't think that this is true exactly. But I don't really know what to do in a close relationship with anyone.
I recently hurt someone who claimed they wanted to be with me. And I feel bad about this, I really do.
I would apologize if I felt it would make any sort of difference. Unfortunately it will not.
Sometimes I worry that because of my parents I'm doomed to be alone, have cheap relationships with people and all that fun stuff.
Neither of them are really all that trustworthy, both are more concerned about themselves than anyone else. And neither have been a parent to me.
What am I supposed to do if I ever have children? I hate them at the moment...for the most part. But I have no one to look to for guidance because my parents are giant fuckups.
I guess they've kind of written the What NOT To Do book.
But we are our parents, are we not?
Am I doomed to be just like them?
I feel like I'm going down a combination of the same roads my mother and father went down.
I can't develope that special bond with people, I can't fully trust them. I don't know if it's because I never learned. Or if it's because I'm not letting myself.
It's tiring.

Last night I had nightmares all night.
I kept waking up.
I kept dreaming I got into a car accident.
My body was completely ripped apart, I could feel every single injury like it was real.
My stomache was ripped open, bones pushing through my skin, everything was broken.
And I layed there in pain.
Every time I fell asleep again, I fell back into that.
I feel like shit today.
Sore, tired, headache, swollen throat, dizzy.
I always have nightmares when I'm sick.
I'm always sick.
I always have nightmares.

I failed my bio test today.
I want a Sugar Glider...
Ummm...chicken.

So my bio teacher finally gave us our unit(s) review so we can study...the test is tomorrow. It's on two full units and a lab we did.
We also have a project and presentation in that class. Given the same week of the test.
I kind of want to kill him.

FUCK winter. Fuck it. I hate winter. I fucking hate snow and wind and cold.
Fuck everyone who likes it.
Wake me up in spring.

I hardly made it through school today. Cold weather makes everything a lot worse. I can't handle the cold, never could.
I came home after school and just crashed.
I can't stay awake long enough to work on the school work I have.
It's causing more stress, but I can't focus.
Everyone is so happy and excited about Winter Formal and Grad...I don't care, I don't want to go.
I hate seeing myself in dresses, I feel disgusting.
I don't want people looking at me.

Not feeling better. Not feeling worse. Currently, I'm just exhausted and irritable. I shouldn't be, when I think about it I know there really isn't anything in my life causing me to feel this way.
I just do.
I'm starting to consider medication.

This is what...my 3rd entry today?
I feel like shit right now. I just crashed. I really hate not having control over my moods. It's like, I know something is going to set me off sometime. Waiting for it to happen is almost worse than it happening.
Sometimes.
Right now it's really bad. It physically hurts. I want to sleep, but I can't. I feel sick. My heart is beating too fast, my head hurts. I feel really just plain sad. I'm angry at everyone for no reason...no music is satisfying right now.
I hate this. I really do.
I feel so completely alone right now, like there's no reason, no nothing. Like when I go to sleep I'm never ever going to wake up again because there is nothing to wake up to.

I've Got A Feeling
With The Wrong People
And I Can't Control My Thoughts

I Wish That I Could Sleep
And Just Get This Over With
...This Is Only High School Bullshit...

I Just Want To Feel

I Was Warned
Absolutley Numb
No Good Around People
Everyone Knows And Watches Me

How Did I Get Here Tonight?
What Am I Doing Here?
How Did I Reach This State?
How Did I Lose My Sight?

I'm Lost ... I'm Freaking
And Everybody Knows ... Everyone's Watching

...So Here's All My Hopes And Aspirations
Nothing But Puke
God, I'm So Lonely...

I Just Want To Feel

Remember...smoking pot in the park.
drinking in the park.
On your hands and knee's, throwing up.
Remember...that little room.
all those people.
Remember taking that little pill...I think it was blue.
Remember...everyone's laughter, everyone's eyes, everyone's voices.
All those people I didn't really know.
Remember...getting stoned. Always stoned. I was constantly stoned.
Sometimes I think I ruined things for good.
Remember... how angry he got, and how he shook and walked away.
Remember... being scared. Too scared to do anything.
How long did it take to get out?
And then right back in...
With a different one.
Except he didn't scare me, just hurt me. He lied and lied and lied.
Made promices and broke them and lied some more.
And in the end it was all my fault.
Just like it's always all my fault.
And I made promices to myself.
And I lied to myself.
Am I right back in...
With a different one?
So much has changed, everything has really. Everything I
am
was
will be
It's so different now.
What can I blame now
now that I'm sober?
Really actually sober
Will I continue with the same mistakes?
Am I right back in?
With a different one?

I'm so bored right now...I cleaned like all day. I want to go outttttt.
But no...I'll settle for drinking myself into a coma all on my own.
I don't know what's going on with Dylan...I neeeeed to know. Are we dating? Are we not dating? Do I even waaaant to date anyone? I know I shouldn't. But I kinda do.
I don't know what's going on anymore, and I'm tired of trying to figure it out.
I just give up.

music: tori amos

He wants some and he wants some and so does he.
And they all claim that it'll be different and that they'll take care...but really they'll just take what they want.
And sometimes that's all I want, when I can't feel anything but anger.
But sometimes, when I sleep, I dream of beautiful things happening where everything is right and they're not just lying.
Those are just dreams though.

music: a perfect circle

Things are really up and down. If I can stop myself from thinking they're up. Thoughts are the problems. Because when I start I can't control them.
I don't know where I stand on anything...it's like, I say I'll do something, do one thing. And I'll believe it heart and soul...but...that goes away as soon as something or one thing changes.
I'm tired and I'm constantly sick and I can't find any reason to do anything anymore.
It's stupid, and it's pointless. But I want someone to save me...if that makes sense.
If everything were a little less complicated, and I were able to think at least something through, then maybe things would be better.
But they're not.

music: a perfect circle

Use me, and make me feel good for right then. And hold me and tell me everything that I need to hear.
Get what you want from me. And don't turn back. No one will ever see that it bothers me.
I can fake anything.
I don't have a real personality. I don't have real feelings. I don't have a real body or face. Everything about me is fake. I'm not a real person so it really doesn't matter.
And I don't want sympathy and I don't want pity.
Everything I do, I do. No one makes me.
I can't ever say no because it's the only time when I can feel good.
And even if afterwards is hell...for that moment in time, everything was alright and someone was going to take care of me and I was warm and I was loved.

And everyone thinks that being depressed is the problem.
But it's when you don't feel anything at all that you should be worried because then nothing hurts.

Music: Mindless Self Indulgence
Mood:

So last night was a busy night.
I DEFIANTELY hooked up with a friend of my stepbrother. Haha. Dylan is hot. Like...HOT. It was fun
Then after that me and Andrew just went on a mission to get hammered. We got everyone drunk. It was nifty...I threw up in my mouth. At the park. At 2am.
I mutilated my spine on the tire swing though. Good lord.
Sometime in the middle of the night Kako and Andrew came into my room and just lofted onto my bed.
They Kako fell asleep beside me and Andrew was trying to wake us up so we'd go downstairs and play. Ahaha...god...
Aimee has the FUNNIEST drunk laugh ever. It's too deadly.
Anyways, that's all. I'm going to drink coffee and watch Golden Girls.

paula
deepak



layout: x
brushes: x o x

April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
July 2007
August 2007