w.o.r.d.s.
Wednesday, October 26, 4:46 p.m.
Sometimes beauty falls on dead eyes. And everything that was at one time pure and amazing just isn't enough.
Nothing comforts. There's only sleep. To sleep forever and forever and forever and hope that everyone and everything forgets about you.
Sleep is like playing dead. And I've always wondered what comes after playing dead doesn't work.
Thursday, October 13, 10:38 p.m.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Why does JJ think I cheated on you?
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:necauese thats what i think
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Well you're wrong.And if you knew me at all you would know that.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:fuk you'
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:if you werenmt they why woukd u have brokin up wit me?
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Because I didn't love you anymore. And I didn't want to date you anymore.
Because the relationship was dead in my eyes.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I broke up with you because I wouldn't cheat on you.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I wasn't going to keep a bullshit relationship going.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:In the end, you're going to believe what you want to believe.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:wat ever''
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I broke up with you because you're so childish.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:This is a prime example.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:wat ever
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:i dont care
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:u do wat u want
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:i know i love you
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:No you don't. You're full of shit.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:If you "loved me" you wouldn't be accusing me of things.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:i just donr undwerstand why?
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Just to make yourself feel better.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I broke up with you, LIKE I HAVE SAID, because I wasn't happy, we weren't even talking, because I found more cons that pro's.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I could go on and on and on.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:You don't understand why because you wont listen to me.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Because you refuse to believe what I'm telling you.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:And honestly, the shit I have to put up with from JJ is ridiculous.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:i dont care anymore.. u do wat u wamt// but alll i know is i love u... and it qill take me a long timw to deal with this
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Well accusing me of cheating isn't dealing with it.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I told you I didn't.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:why are you like this?
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Because you accused me of cheating and TOLD people that even though you have no proof. And even though I gave you my reasons for why I broke up with you.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Talking to you about this is one thing, but having to explain it to JJ is another.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:welll quit trying to talk to me about this
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Well quit spreading shit about me.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:its hard enough
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:im not
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:its all jj
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:he feels for me
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Oh fuck. This is ridiculous.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:he knows wat im feeling
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:im sorryt
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:He doesn't feel for you, the entire time we were dating JJ would tell me all the things that you didn't want me to know.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:And go behind your back.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:but he speaqkes for me
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:It's bullshit.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:im sorrry
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:but i dont know ewat 2 ssay u've vee beliving alll my friends except me why?!?!?!?
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Because they all have the same story. And you were never there to tell me otherwise.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Because you've lied to me before.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:And they haven't.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:i just dont get wby u beeedumping me for beliving my friends except me the one whos beeen doing a,llll tbhesee yhingd u tyhin hs haas beebnse lieing to you all thesee tyinwerse
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:And like you just said, JJ speaks for you.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:wat eveer
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:uf yiou belive jjj fine
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:wat ever
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:if u dint love ,e fine
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I didn't say I didn't ever love you.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I said I don't anymore.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I used to love you.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:just please phone me and tell me
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:i neeed tp know
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Need to know what?
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:nothing
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:obviously u dont love mw
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:This is stupid.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:You don't listen to a word I say.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Good bye.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:welll calll me!!!!!!!!!!
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:talk to me!!!!!!!
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:YOU DON'T LISTEN
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:You just call me heartbreaker.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:And tell me I cheated on you.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:i will !!!!!
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:because thats wat i think
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:WELL I'VE TOLD YOU YOU ARE WRONG
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:So talking to you is pointless.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Because you're going to think what you want to think.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I've answered every question you've asked.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:And you don't believe me.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:yes because thats wat u want me to think andf that wat i will tell you
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:because u dont love me
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I broke up with you when I realized I no longer love you.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I did the right thing, I didn't lie to you.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:I didn't cheat on you. I didn't try and sugar coat this.
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:welll them soooo be it
CrAig BuEHLeR-Self-Proclaimed "Rock'n'Roll Gangster - so cold.... so very very cold says:i just know i stilll love you and i know for as heartlesss as a person as you are this doesnt matter for you... if anything this gives you pleasure
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:That's a stupid thing to say.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:This is why I wont phone you.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Because you're wallowing in so much selfpity it's pointless.
[eilla] :: yeah, remember i will always love you as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way. :: says:Grow up.
, 9:55 p.m.
Whoa, my step family is the laziest group of people on the planet. Almost every day I load up the dishwasher and help wash and dry the pots and pans. No big deal. I always put the dishes I use in the dishwasher, or if they don't go in the dishwasher I at least rinse and stack them.
But I also end up hunting the house for dishes shoved between couch cushions, set on stairs, or just thrown randomly on the floor. I end up cleaning up everyone elses dishes, and the rest of their messes that they leave around the house.
As I recently bitched about, I really hurt my back a few days ago. And today when I came home I did the usual dish deal and then I also ordered supper for like 10 people, went and picked up the supper, set the table, loaded the dishwasher AGAIN, put away all the groceries (because no one else would help), did another set of dishes, put away leftovers and then tidied up the house.
Also, I nicely turned off the movie I was halfway through watching just so my wonderful stepmother could catch TV. The SAME show, in fact, that was being watched in the basement by her two children.
Throughout my doing all this Aimee was screaming at Therease, Therease was screaming at everyone. And everyone was complaining that they always have to do everything and everyone else is so self-centered.
Excuse me while I send out a big fuck you.
I'm the only person other than my father who cleans the house, I'm the only person who does dishes, I'm the only other person who cooks supper, I always give up the TV, I never ask to watch something else, I never play my music loudly when others are around (because Therease doesn't like my music so it's not allowed even though she blares hers all the time)
I'm frustrated right now because I'm sick, my back hurts like fucking hell, all anyone ever does around here is fight. And I mean, they have nothing to fight about. NOTHING. I swear to god they do it for sport, because no sane human being could get upset about the things that start screaming matches in this house.
Ugh.
Wednesday, October 12, 5:32 p.m.
mood: SASSY!
music: Mindless Self Indulgence
Alright man, I GET the whole being upset at getting dumped thing. I really do. It's the shits, blah blah blah.
But SUCK it UP princess. At least save SOME of your dignity. Calling names like "heartbreaker"...guess what. They don't mean shit to me. I made the choice to break up with you a loooong time ago. Why? Because you're childish. And you can't get your own life in order which isn't that hard to do when you're living at home and going to school. I guess it should've been no suprise that you couldn't keep a relationship in order, or that when it finally fell apart you'd go pouting and whining around. Making cheap accusations. But honestly...
Bringing JJ into it was too much. And that fact that he was WILLING to get into it is just...sad.
I mean, a 22 year old guy threatening to get his FRIENDS to kick some little girls ass? Lets look at this now...first of all. How sleazy is that? A 22 year old guy threatening a teenage girl with bodily harm.
AND HOW BIG OF A PUSSY ARE YOU!? Not even threatening to do it YOURSELF. Jesus fucking christ. That is sad.
And then not even being able to admit that the things you said were threats? Even worse. I mean, it was pretty straight up. "You should see how much you hurt Craig. I hurt people who hurt my friends." and don't even get me started on how fucking cheesy that is. Who do you think you are, Scarface? Go fucking die.
But that is a threat. I know you went to Cochrane and all, but come on. Are you completely fucking retarded? Can you not recognize that that's a threat?
And then, when the lovely, brilliant JayJay is going back on being a big tough hardcore guy he goes, "If I was beign serious you would've gotten your ass kicked by now." You don't know where I live. You don't know anyone in Saskatoon. And honestly. No...just no. I know all your friends, and none of them would beat a girl. Not even if you payed them. Not that you ever have money you coked out piece of shit.
Ok, that's it. I have to stop now. That ranting is getting too hate filled.
Sunday, October 9, 4:50 p.m.
My and Craigs relationship is finally finished.
I put off breaking up with him for so long because it just...felt so wrong. But at the same time I simply was no longer happy.
We hadn't talked for a month, and my entire life changed in that month...the relationship felt dead. But Craig is still so important to me, it killed to think that I would hurt him.
I still loved him as a friend, but the other aspect of our relationship wasn't there.
I would just like to say though, it was one of the best relationships I've ever had.
There were times when I thought it might last forever, and wanted exactly that.
Unfortunately people change, situations change, and even if we had stayed together this year. What about the next when I go somewhere else for university?
Maybe I'm just not mature enough, or ready to be able to deal with a long distance relationship.
Maybe Craig just really wasn't the person for me.
I'm currently feeling extremely guilty.
And I understand that his hurt is totally and completely justified and so is the fact that at the moment he probably hates me.
I just wish there was a way for him to not be hurt...I know it's not possible, but in a perfect world that would be the case.
Friday, October 7, 5:22 p.m.
It's officially weird to be in Regina. I can't really explain the problem...I think it's just that I'm kind of stuck in between at the moment. Being in Regina feels oddly familiar but at the same time everything is different.
Any sign that I ever lived in this house has been removed, what's left is kind of scattered around in the basement storage area waiting to be picked through and then chucked out. My room is now an office with green walls...and my sisters room has been changed too. There's no cable TV, and really...no channels at all. Even the internet server is different.
My head is filled with memories of what is WAS like living here, and I know that it's the same place but it's hard to make the connection.
Today I kind of sat on the floor of my old room and looked around but nothing really clicked. It's just so different.
I also went to Balfour today to see people, and it felt weird being there. I was hugging all my friends and I was in the art rooms that I used to spend so much time in...I was thinking, "I should be in these classes. I should be at school today making stupid noises with Jasmin" and I wasn't and I really felt so completely seperate from everything.
Anyways, that's...it I guess. I forgot to post this thing. Yeah.
Thursday, October 6, 10:00 p.m.
Ahhh...guilt guilt guilt.
It's like I have two seperate lives...and they don't match up and I'm going to have to choose which one.
I hate hurting people...I feel like I'm always the badguy and I wish I could just, be what they want. And feel what they want me to feel. Unnnfortunately that's not possible. And I should never be allowed to stay in relationships because I'm a shitty person.
Gah. I hate this.
We haven't even talked for a month, why the sudden contact now.