w.o.r.d.s.
Saturday, December 31, 5:44 p.m.
This isn't where I ever thought I'd be.
This life that I'm living now. It's so completely pointless.
I can't find any meaning in it at all.
It's just...so...nothing.
I don't care about anyone here. I don't want to go out, because there's nothing here.
It's so completely smothering.
And I don't say anything to anyone, and I act like I like it here.
It's gone beyond frustrating, it's just sad now.
I'm not doing anything that matters here, and what's worse is I don't feel like anything does matter. Even if I looked for something.
I really hate it and I want out.
And I don't even want to stay around to take the CERTESL course...Unless I can move out, and get a shitty little apartment.
I'm so TIRED of listening to people fight.
And I never say anything to anyone.
And all they do is fight.
So they fight. And my stepmom drinks. And my dad complains. And Aimee doesn't do anything but make messes.
I really, really miss being fucked up all the time.
It was so much easier.
Everything was just a blur and you couldn't feel anything and nothing mattered even if it was really horrible.
Friday, December 30, 9:32 p.m.
Back in Saskatoon.
Back doing nothing.
Ummm...saw Dylan tonight. That was nice. It's been awhile.
I hate New Years.
This place sucks out my energy.
Everything seems possible until I'm back here.
Then it's just...smothering in bullshit.
Thursday, December 29, 5:07 p.m.
If there's one thing about living in Regina that I miss...it's Nicks.
That place...good times.
Last night I went with Bunk, Coltin, A.S.S., Cindy (who was working), Jordan and Kelly and...we all got smashed.
It was a beautiful night.
But this morning I felt like hell.
Looking through the pictures I took...ahhaha, so funny.
I drank waaaay too much beer though.
Fucking scooners.
Wednesday, December 28, 1:12 p.m.
I want to do an obscene amount of drugs.
And die in a gutter.
Because I'm bored.
And that seems really appealing.
Tuesday, December 27, 4:41 p.m.
Christmas fucking sucked. No big fucking suprise...fuck.
I'm still in Regina.
Same people, same shit.
Everyones on fucking coke. Fuck coke.
I saw a guy standing on a bullivard with a sign that said, "Broke and Hungry, donations needed."
We were going to give him a thing of hot chilli we just bought, but we couldn't get to him because he was on the other side and the street was way to busy to stop.
I have to go back to Saskatoon soon.
Fuck Saskatoon.
I guess I just didn't run far enough.
Friday, December 23, 4:14 p.m.
If someday...everyone was randomly allowed to kill one person.
I would take my stepmom out.
Then hide...because I'm sure someone would come after me.
Thursday, December 22, 7:58 p.m.
She's in love with liquid eyeliner, red lipstick and heavy perfume.
Lacquered nails that glitter in the light.
Or anything that glitters really...
Music makes her whole body tingle. Sends shivers down her spine.
Capturing images is like magic...hopelessly unattainable no matter how hard she tries.
She really wishes stars were star shaped and hearts were heart shaped.
And in her world, everything needs to be gift wrapped with a perfect little bow.
She wishes the world were more vibrant and colorful, because sometimes it seems a little dull.
A lot of the time she lives entirely inside her head and worries that others might realize.
And then they'll think she's crazy.
And why can't everyone be a movie star? Not today’s movie stars...but from before.
1950's starlets.
They were really beautiful.
And she wishes that high heels were always worn by everyone, to impossible heights.
That skirts swished and that waists were corseted.
Because the lines are beautiful.
She's in love with art, playing with paint, making new colours.
Smelly markers are her favorite.
That must mean she's not serious.
She really hates the special occasions that everyone loves.
She doesn't want to follow the path that has already been set out for her by everyone else.
A lot of the time she feels completely lost and confused and overwhelmed.
And she wonders if the odds really are against her.
And she wonders if she could just write her life like a story and have everything fall into place.
But of course she knows that will never happen.
She wishes that the world of high fashion and diy could somehow mesh together perfectly.
She wishes that everyone would just grow up and stop being so pathetic.
She has no self confidence yet somehow thinks she's better than everyone else.
Sometimes she wakes up and thinks that this world isn't for her.
But then she realizes it's the only world there is.
So she goes back to sleep and forgets all about it.
, 3:15 p.m.
Fuck Christmas.
Fuck family.
Fuck winter and snow.
Fuck giving and getting.
Fuck food.
Wednesday, December 21, 8:49 p.m.
I guess it needs to be said.
I fell for you a bit harder than intended.
And you didn't fall the same.
This is the hopeless romantic in me (helpless too) who wants to dive in headlong.
But you're so hot and cold.
You give me everything that I want and then you take it away.
And it doesn't matter to you.
You say the sweetest things...sometimes. But you're not sweet at all.
You're the kind of person that I should run from, but I wont.
I always want what I can't have. And somehow I know I'll never have you.
But I'm yours...to play with? I hope not.
I'm scared of you. Honestly. You could really break my heart.
And you will...eventually. It's just a matter of when.
You had no plans to stay. You said so yourself.
I try to hide it. Sometimes I don't do it very well.
Cold shoulder.
But I don't think you ever look deep enough to see anything.
So I guess it's hidden from you.
When you're here though, time almost stands still.
I am protected and warm and I have no needs or wants unsatisfied.
And I look at you...
My problems melt away. Fake problems? And I realize how utterly silly being unhappy really is.
You claim you don't want to have to fix any problems.
But you do.
Without effort.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
This isn't love.
This much is for sure.
, 2:43 p.m.
I got my depo shot today, the lady was not gentle with that needle. First time the shot has actually hurt.
I'm tired right now, and my stomach hurts a bit. I think it might be from the shot. Sometimes it upsets my stomach for a day or so after.
I just talked to Kako, she JUST got home. She left yesterday morning...that's a long trip. I hope she enjoys her visit back to Regina.
It reminds me how much I want to travel and get away from here.
Everyone is so worried about finishing highschool, and going onto university and getting a good job.
No one cares about actually living anymore.
They all have things that they'd like to do...but few actually go for them.
I don't care about money, I care about experiencing things, tasting, smelling seeing...I want a beautiful life, but not an expensive one.
Monday, December 19, 10:13 p.m.
Man...FUCK Earls.
, 6:19 p.m.
Ummmm...today I am...restless, lonely, tired, energetic, bored, wondering, waiting...It's driving me crazy.
What the fuck am I doing?
Because it has to be me.
Sunday, December 18, 6:30 p.m.
Living in this house is a like one giant fight. Everyone is on guard, someone is always yelling.
I wouldn't say I have a bad family life. But it's definately a tiring one.
It's almost like the only thing that gets done in this house is fighting.
They don't cook, or clean, or work. They bicker and make messes.
I think that's partly why I'm always tired.
I have to be constantly on guard around here.
When this school year is over I'm gone.
Happy joyful day, my sister has a room I can rent.
Saturday, December 17, 4:56 p.m.
I showed him what it's like...he didn't enjoy it too much.
Serves him right though.
Friday, December 16, 4:27 p.m.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother. I can tell right away, when a guy likes me, that he's fucked right up. That there is never any chance or there being a healthy, happy relationship.
With Dylan...he's SO distant. It's like, I'm his girlfriend...but only when it's convenient for him. Otherwise I don't exist. He'll say to me, "I want to see you tonight. We're watching a movie." and that will be that. Otherwise he doesn't treat me like I'm anything more than an aquintance.
Sometimes when I'm with him and we're hanging out, other people there or not, he'll just go completely cold. Kako's even brought it up with me because she's noticed it before. It's like, something catches his eye and he's gone.
I've forced myself not to really care about him. Because otherwise I'm just hurt constantly. And it doesn't hurt me anymore, but it makes me angry.
I guess in the end it's my own fault. People will treat you however they want to unless you grow and spine and show them HOW to treat you. But I wont do that to Dylan. I know I wont, and that's my fault.
He was so different at first. But now it's like he doesn't care at all...I'm kind of looking forward to his leaving. Because then I can move on and it wont matter when he doesn't come back.
Thursday, December 15, 6:21 p.m.
Lyrics...In Your Blood
I can't stay over you.
It seems we drive forever but can never get away from here, just one more try.
I'm guessing you are over me, I guess it's bravery.
Because it's black out the window while you sleep in the passenger seat.
So when it's always on your mind but you never speak of the name.
It's in your blood and face and I'm certain it's fame.
So I stayed out in the car because the weather had gotten to me.
But its really these road signs and freeways that I cant take.
This can't be how you live.
It's like a ball and chain around your waist or this simple state.
Your mind's sick again.
I'm tasting nothing but 4 words, please don't leave me.
And it's Dark in the winter so your ideas start to sleep.
Well your head is spinning like that carousel, and I know you're a mess after 3 or 4.
But if you make it different then we'll make our way to the surface, and you favorite place. Where we sit, and we breath.
Because I know all the word and I sing you everything. Well they're just thoughts so go ahead and speak.
Pick out what you like and call me when you're on the way.
You can spend the night and hope to sleep all day.
For me its just another week, twenty eight was once how I dreamed.
And with your sent on my face I can leave and have you for days.
I still can't see you.
The summer came and we got lost, all of us.
You are nothing with out her.
I still wont remember your face, the features mix too well with this alcohol.
So we cover ourselves in your fear, and stay to watch that moon disappear under these lights.
This city's screaming at me.
And as you breathe the words I better go.
The sun is up and taking back all the shadows that covered this ground, and our feet, like a blanket of coal.
Wednesday, December 14, 4:05 p.m.
Yea...so just...ya.
I'm extremely tired.
And I'm extremely cold.
I have a lot of homework. Blah.
Tuesday, December 13, 4:08 p.m.
I think I'm missing that part of my brain that tells me NOT to actually say what I'm thinking.
There is no filter. I am missing the filter.
My yelling at my English teacher today...slightly proves that.
And it's especially bad because Amanda and Loni both appear to be missing that filter as well.
And when we're all drinking Redbull...good god.
I think we scarred those poor Blades Boys pretty badly (ahaha I still don't know their names. But they're amazing, and they don't mind when I write COCKSUCKER on the window of their moms van)
OH! And Graham needs special mention. Because he's easy to scar too. Like when me and Steph are talking about how massively large my penis is in front if the London Drugs employee (I'm not sure if he was intrigued, turned on, disgusted or all of the above...his facial expression was hard to read.)
Ummm ya! Making gingerbread dough is super fun. I wanted to throw the stuff we made at people and totally take them out. Because it was massive, weighed like 5lbs and was wrapped in clingwrap. It was also awkwardly warm and squishy. So since I could take anyone out with it I just threw it in the air and caught it.
Oh and again, me and Steph have issues with screaming things out car windows.
Yesterday we MENT to scream something at our friend, but accidentally ended up offended some stupid old beast woman.
That's what she GETS of being a smoker.
Ummmm...I think I might have failed my bio test. It was so hard.
Oh well, what can ya do. I put effort into that shit.
Thursday I have my presentation, I'm scared. I don't really want to do it...but I guess after like 3 minutes it'll all be over and done with and no one will remember.
So whaaaatever.
Sunday, December 11, 5:23 p.m.
It's amazing how easy it is to slip into old habits, old ways of thinking.
It's almost like you never left.
I've found motivation again, and I've made the choice to not be the spineless fuck I was becoming.
And while I haven't started up with my art again as seriously (that'll be near impossible without an art class) I'm actually working at school, re-reading everything I found on teaching english overseas and arts universities.
The fact that my family life here is fairly tedius hardly matters anymore.
I guess in the end it's all mind set. And will power. You view the world however you want to. People view you however you want them to. People respond to you the way you want them too. You can have complete and utter control over everything, if you make it happen that way.
This is all very refreshing.
Saturday, December 10, 11:19 p.m.
One of the hardest things for me to realize has been that no one else can make me happy.
Be it friend, or boyfriend, parent or shrink.
I am the only one who can change things, and work through things.
I feel now that, while talking to someone about your problems can make you feel better, in the long run it has no effect.
My thoughts always used to be that letting your emotions rule you was sign of weakness.
Crying at things because they hurt you (emotionally or physically) was a sign of weakness.
As were close relationships. Because nothing is forever, and giving too much of yourself away leads to disaster.
For awhile I took a step away from that kind of thinking. I got into some relationships with people, and I let them really know me. Now looking back on this, I feel that for me this isn't the right thing to do.
I don't regret it, but at the same time, I think I've learned better.
I want to go back to who I was before.
And I think that since I'm no longer doing any drugs, and rarely ever drinking it will be a lot easier.
At this point in my life I feel it would be a lot better to keep myself guarded.
I realized that I was letting go of my own hopes and dreams because of other people.
Be it family or otherwise.
I think that has something to do with why I've been so unhappy as of late.
In the end I suppose I am just sick and tired of giving things to people who don't give back.
I'm tired of feeling that I need people to complete me and make me happy. I'm tired of relying on others for things they're not willing to do...or give.
Perhaps, sometime in the future I will be able to really open up to someone again...but not now.
This has all been really hard for me to figure out. But I feel stronger because of it. I feel that I'm back on the path that I want to be.
I got lost for awhile, unfocused...it turned into not caring. And what others see as laziness.
Now I look around and I see a bunch of people who are terrified to do anything that takes any amount of thinking, or spine.
I see people either running from their pasts or trying to live in them.
And maybe I am in the wrong with this one, but I really don't think so.
I'm starting to hate everyone I know.
Wednesday, December 7, 1:01 p.m.
The most tiring thing in the world in being unable to express yourself.
When, even if you want to, you can't vent.
There is no release.
It got to the point where the only thing that seemed to satisfy me was self distruction. And for a long time, that's how I delt with everything.
To damage my self was the only thing that worked as a release.
Physical pain overtook the emotional pain and killed it.
Fortunately I was able to stop that, and every once in awhile I get the urge to go back to it. Usually it's something I can stop rather easily just by reasoning with myself.
Yesterday, the urge was so strong. I wanted to badly to tear away my skin. I literally wanted to rip my own face up. I can't explain why, and I can't explain to anyone who badly I wanted that.
Maybe I wanted everything around me to reflect how I was feeling. I was craving destruction for whatever reason. To me, screaming and tearing down my world would have made everything better.
It took everything I had not too, and that is something that really fightens me.
Sometimes I want people to look at me with disgust, because that's what I feel when I see myself.
And I can bitch and moan about every little thing in my life, but that's never why I'm unhappy.
After I get it all out, I realize I wasn't angry about any of it. I wasn't hurt by any of it...they were just words or situations that, even while they happened, didn't effect me.
And I realize that there isn't a reason why I'm unhappy. I just am. And everything is wrong, but at the same time nothing is.
This is one of the few times I've really been able to express myself. And I know why. There's finally someone in my life who doesn't dismiss my feelings, or ideas. Even if he doesn't understand he listens and tries to.
Not many people can do that. And no one really has. Everyone is so quick to offer suggestions, they try to find a quick fix because in the end it doesn't matter to them.
So I guess I just want to say thank you.
Tuesday, December 6, 4:17 p.m.
This afternoon I started crying and I couldn't stop.
I don't know why, I've just been incredibly unhappy every time I've been in this house.
And when I'm laughing I feel guilty.
So I just started to cry.
And now I want to keep crying, but I can't.
My stomach hurts a lot.
Monday, December 5, 12:51 p.m.
I'm going to burn my biology textbook.
And dance upon the ashes...
WITH GLEE.
Sunday, December 4, 4:10 p.m.
~*~ TKO by Le Tigre, it's an awsome song. Listen to it and dance around.
*~* Rainbow things! Yay for colour! I love colourful things.
~*~ Scarves, they keep my neck flesh warm and are super pretty.
*~* Mittens. Honestly, who doesn't like mittens. If everyone had pretty mittens there would be no wars.
~*~ Knee High Socks. Um they're just amazing. They keep your shins warm.
*~* Dancing around everywhere. In front of my living room window is the best place to do this.
~*~ Reading good books.
*~* Drinking raspberry hot chocolate. It's definately the best kind there is.
~*~ Cleaning. Ok, I'm a total neat freak alright? It isn't my fault.
*~* The internet. I'm addicted to the sites with clothing and makeup and pretty internet graphics that I can decorate all my random profiles with. I want to be an internet star.
~*~ Makeup. War paint rules, I could play with it all day.
*~* Red lips, glossed lips. Is just pretty.
~*~ Glitter, shine and sparkle. I'm obviously part raccoon.
*~* The smells of: vanilla, chocolate, campfire, incense (any kind), baking, cold days, after it rains, berries.
~*~ Sugar gliders, kitties, bats and anything lizard like. Sugar gliders are SO freakishly cute.
*~* Black and white movies
~*~ Tom Waits. No one can sing the blues like this man. He is amazing.
*~* Rain, thunder, lightening, wind. ok so just...storms.
~*~ Shopping. I'm a girl, what can I say.
*~* The Christmas season (even though I hate it too)
~*~ Wearing just underwear, a tank top and socks...then dancing around randomly.
*~* Pillow fights. Unless it's with a hard pillow and I get cracked on the top of the head. That just hurts.
~*~ Jumping on my bed, or a couch.
*~* Laughing until I can't breath or see because I'm crying.
~*~ Sneakers. I have blue and yellow ones that are pretty neat. And totally comfy.
*~* Crappy cheap jewellery made from little kid beads. I have made TONS of raver bracelettes in my time.
~*~ The perfumes: So...? Kiss Me, Rimmel London Glam, and Opium oils.
*~* Tea and coffee
~*~ Talking about sex. Haha, I dunno why. It can be so amusing. Especially talking about embarassing things that have happened.
*~* The words: nifty, neat, silly, spunky, radical, WEE!, mitten, cookie, squirrel, rude, totally, super, whoa now, like.
~*~ Veggie burgers
*~* Jelly Bellys. Ummm ya they're amazing.
~*~ The song Monster Hospital by Metric
*~* Attention and praise. I soak it up like a sponge, even if I never believe it.
~*~ Looking at art all day. Deviantart.com is my addiction.
*~* Crafting, sewing, being artsy fartsy. Craftster.com is also an addiction.
~*~ Thrift shopping...cheap clothes. I miss Orange Popsicle! Best thrift store ever.
*~* Knick knacks. My room is full of pointless shit.
~*~ Books...ya...I've got tons.
*~* Vampires, Zombies and anything occult.
~*~ Summer time.
*~* Fluffy things.
~*~ Squishy things.
*~* The colour pink.
~*~ Ballet...it's so pretty.
*~* Plays, theatre, musicals.
~*~ Pointless purchases.
*~* HUGE sunglasses. I have some that could put Elton John to shame.
~*~ Hats. Especially huge brim hats to go with my massive sunglasses.
*~* Looking outside at wintery goodness.
~*~ Being wrapped in blankies
*~* Cuddling.
~*~ Climbing out windows.
*~* Falling off things. I guess I've done it so much I started to enjoy it.
~*~ Showers and bubble baths.
*~* Sharpies. Totally fun to draw with.
~*~ Crayons. Again, woo drawing.
*~* Neon Things are also totally cool.
Saturday, December 3, 5:00 p.m.
Very rarely do you have a real conversation with someone.
For the most part it's small talk, talking about people you know, things you enjoy.
You forget how difficult a real conversation is.
And a lot of the time, you never really get to know a person because all you get from them are random comments, facts. Nothing emotional or personal.
People forget that your favorite band, color...movie. They don't define who you are.
There needs to be more REAL relationships in this world.
