w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Wednesday, July 27, 1:02 a.m.
So this is one of the last visits I'll be making to Regina for awhile. And I feel like everyone except my boyfriend gives a shit.
That's a stupid thing to say, deep down I know that that isn't the truth. That it isn't even close to the truth. And maybe I'm being unfair.
But this is my last night in the city for a long time. I thought he would be happy to come to a movie. He said he'd come. But instead he stayed at his place to get drunk with his friends.
And maybe this is unfair but I guess tonight really showed me where I stand. And deep down, I don't know that that isn't the truth. I don't know that he cares about me over certain things that I had hoped he would...what's more important? Seeing your girlfriend before she moves away...or getting drunk?
Maybe I'm missing something, and maybe I'm wrong. If someone wants to explain things to me so that I can understand better. Feel free. Go right ahead.
But as it is now, I'm feeling fairly hurt. And it seems like a lot of the time I'm feeling fairly hurt.
Sometimes I worry that he just doesn't care enough to make things work. That when I move he'll go on with his life and slowly forget that I ever existed or that he ever told me he loved me.
And that would kill. And I'm so scared that that will be the case.
I remember that one time I phoned him and when I said hey he said, "Who's this?" and now I look at that and think that it will start happening more and more.
I don't cry. I'm not someone who cries much at all...I haven't cried in a long time and I think the last time I cried I was drunk.
But sometimes, on nights like these I just really want to cry. And I want to have the courage to call him up and tell him, 'Fuck you.' and tell him why it ment so much for him to come. And why his, 'Well I want to see you tonight so can we meet up at the bank while I get money.' hurts even more then if he hadn't said anything.
Because I really feel that if you love someone you should have more time for them then in between getting money and getting drink.
I really feel that I should count for more than that.
And so tonight I'm going to have another sleepless night. Because I don't cry, instead I don't sleep.
