w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Thursday, August 18, 9:03 p.m.
Well...I really don't know what to think.
I found out that Craig has been doing coke. And, although it hasn't been...much...it has still be done.
He says it's been 3 times, and I've heard from someone else it has been 3 times. So...I guess I can believe it. But can I? I don't even know.
I don't know if anything he said was true. I want to believe him and I want to believe he can redeem himself.
I was so prepared to just walk away from him. To tell him to go fuck himself. But I really can't. I honestly love him, and even though I'm totally heartbroken right now. I can't just walk away.
Because if I walk away then I haven't even tried to help him. But if I try...at least I tried. Right?
And as I write this I realize how totally disgusted I am with the situation...with myself...with him. I hate cocaine. I hate everything about it. It's evil, it destroys people. I am so angry right now I can hardly think straight.
I am completely and utterly confused, I don't see any sollution that will make me happy and that's a scary thought.
I need someone to comfort me but I have no one because that one person that matters to me is the one who hurt me.
Right now, part of me hates him...and I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of this. Ever be able to trust him again.
Can I be in a relationship where I suspect him of lying all the time? Of course not.
But I can't think of a life without him. And yet I am. SO. ANGRY.
