w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Monday, August 22, 1:58 p.m.
Alright so I'm trying to pretent that everything is all well and good and Craig will keep his promise blah blah blah.
But in the back of my mind I am constantly thinking, he lied once. What will stop him from lying again.
I feel bad not being able to trust him because I feel like he needs me to trust him.
I don't want to give up on him, but I worry that there's going to come a time when I should give up on him.
How am I supposed to know if that time comes if he lies to me? It's like...a circle of crap. I hate it. I'm so upset over this whole thing because everything was going so good. And now i feel like, even though we're still together now the relationship has changed dramatically. I feel like there's something missing now that we had before. And I can't figure out what it is.
I mean, there's trust missing. That's definately something, but there's something else. When I look at him I see a different person.
It's hard because I love him...gah...I just wish I could know for certain.
Instead of knowing nothing for sure. Because I really don't. I have to trust someone who doesn't deserve to be trusted right now.
I'm worried that it's going to make me always suspect he's lying, always suspect he's hiding something.
Only 10% of the problem here is that he actually did cocaine. The rest is the face that he lied and hid it from me.
I always knew there was a chance he'd do cocaine again, he never hid that from me. In fact, he told me that he probably would but that he'd tell him. I mean, it hurts to know he still occasionally does a drug that will eventually ruin him unless he quits. I don't want that for him, but what hurts the most is that he lied about it.
And maybe I should be more upset by the cocaine use, but I think the lying shows more about how he sees our relationship.
To me, if you're lying to your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband...whatever. Then you have no reason to be together at all. Because it shows you lack respect for them, for the relationship. Lying is a very self centered thing to do. Saying, "I didn't to hurt you." is a bullshit excuse. If you didn't want to hurt the person you wouldn't have done whatever it was you did. You didn't care about hurting the person, you just wanted to have it all and not have to deal with the consiquences.
And now I'm ranting so I'm going to go and watch some TV, let my brain melt...all that good stuff.
I guess I'm just still really quite angry. And that's something that I'll have to work through with time, or things will never be ok between me and Craig and things will end.
