w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Sunday, November 20, 5:39 p.m.
Having not grown up with family that I'm very close to, I learned to do without.
When I moved from my moms place, to my dads, I thought things would be different.
But now, I realize that I spent more time with my dad when I lived 3 hours away from him than I do now.
He got what he wanted, in that I'm no longer living with my mother.
And like most material things, he's grown bored and no longer feels the need to pay attention to me.
Now, don't get me wrong. This isn't something that I'm complaining about. I don't dislike my dad or anything. I kind of figured this is how it would turn out, and I was right.
It's just that, people don't understand why it takes me so long to trust them.
Or why I'm so cautious about getting into relationships.
A lot of people have accused me of being cold-hearted. I don't think that this is true exactly. But I don't really know what to do in a close relationship with anyone.
I recently hurt someone who claimed they wanted to be with me. And I feel bad about this, I really do.
I would apologize if I felt it would make any sort of difference. Unfortunately it will not.
Sometimes I worry that because of my parents I'm doomed to be alone, have cheap relationships with people and all that fun stuff.
Neither of them are really all that trustworthy, both are more concerned about themselves than anyone else. And neither have been a parent to me.
What am I supposed to do if I ever have children? I hate them at the moment...for the most part. But I have no one to look to for guidance because my parents are giant fuckups.
I guess they've kind of written the What NOT To Do book.
But we are our parents, are we not?
Am I doomed to be just like them?
I feel like I'm going down a combination of the same roads my mother and father went down.
I can't develope that special bond with people, I can't fully trust them. I don't know if it's because I never learned. Or if it's because I'm not letting myself.
It's tiring.
