w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Wednesday, December 7, 1:01 p.m.
The most tiring thing in the world in being unable to express yourself.
When, even if you want to, you can't vent.
There is no release.
It got to the point where the only thing that seemed to satisfy me was self distruction. And for a long time, that's how I delt with everything.
To damage my self was the only thing that worked as a release.
Physical pain overtook the emotional pain and killed it.
Fortunately I was able to stop that, and every once in awhile I get the urge to go back to it. Usually it's something I can stop rather easily just by reasoning with myself.
Yesterday, the urge was so strong. I wanted to badly to tear away my skin. I literally wanted to rip my own face up. I can't explain why, and I can't explain to anyone who badly I wanted that.
Maybe I wanted everything around me to reflect how I was feeling. I was craving destruction for whatever reason. To me, screaming and tearing down my world would have made everything better.
It took everything I had not too, and that is something that really fightens me.
Sometimes I want people to look at me with disgust, because that's what I feel when I see myself.
And I can bitch and moan about every little thing in my life, but that's never why I'm unhappy.
After I get it all out, I realize I wasn't angry about any of it. I wasn't hurt by any of it...they were just words or situations that, even while they happened, didn't effect me.
And I realize that there isn't a reason why I'm unhappy. I just am. And everything is wrong, but at the same time nothing is.
This is one of the few times I've really been able to express myself. And I know why. There's finally someone in my life who doesn't dismiss my feelings, or ideas. Even if he doesn't understand he listens and tries to.
Not many people can do that. And no one really has. Everyone is so quick to offer suggestions, they try to find a quick fix because in the end it doesn't matter to them.
So I guess I just want to say thank you.
