w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Saturday, December 10, 11:19 p.m.
One of the hardest things for me to realize has been that no one else can make me happy.
Be it friend, or boyfriend, parent or shrink.
I am the only one who can change things, and work through things.
I feel now that, while talking to someone about your problems can make you feel better, in the long run it has no effect.
My thoughts always used to be that letting your emotions rule you was sign of weakness.
Crying at things because they hurt you (emotionally or physically) was a sign of weakness.
As were close relationships. Because nothing is forever, and giving too much of yourself away leads to disaster.
For awhile I took a step away from that kind of thinking. I got into some relationships with people, and I let them really know me. Now looking back on this, I feel that for me this isn't the right thing to do.
I don't regret it, but at the same time, I think I've learned better.
I want to go back to who I was before.
And I think that since I'm no longer doing any drugs, and rarely ever drinking it will be a lot easier.
At this point in my life I feel it would be a lot better to keep myself guarded.
I realized that I was letting go of my own hopes and dreams because of other people.
Be it family or otherwise.
I think that has something to do with why I've been so unhappy as of late.
In the end I suppose I am just sick and tired of giving things to people who don't give back.
I'm tired of feeling that I need people to complete me and make me happy. I'm tired of relying on others for things they're not willing to do...or give.
Perhaps, sometime in the future I will be able to really open up to someone again...but not now.
This has all been really hard for me to figure out. But I feel stronger because of it. I feel that I'm back on the path that I want to be.
I got lost for awhile, unfocused...it turned into not caring. And what others see as laziness.
Now I look around and I see a bunch of people who are terrified to do anything that takes any amount of thinking, or spine.
I see people either running from their pasts or trying to live in them.
And maybe I am in the wrong with this one, but I really don't think so.
I'm starting to hate everyone I know.
