w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Saturday, February 18, 11:02 p.m.
I think...considering the news about Craig, I think I need to rant.
I was really, truly in love with him. A lot more than a lot of people realized.
It was a totally geeky love...and a fairly blind one at that.
I'm still in love with him in some ways. I think that's really where the blind part comes in.
Despite everything that went on...his doing coke behind my back, accusing me of cheating on him.
I don't know...I can't justify it. I guess I'm not really in love with "him" anymore. More...what he used to be, or who I thought he was.
And the more that I think about it the more I realize that no matter what he said he wasn't ever truly in love with me.
He was addicted to everything, he got addicted to everything.
He said he loved me, acted like he loved me...but I think it was just this...clinging obsession.
He thought he loved me, but I guess I was more of an addiction than anything.
Just another thing for him to mindlessly stick too.
Anyways, that's the end of that part of the rant.
Onto the next.
I feel guilty. I'm with someone that I think I could love. But I'm terrified TO love. And he's not making it easy on me. Could be a clear sign that things just aren't ment to be between the two of us.
Or maybe he's just as fucked up as I am.
I really want love in my life. Just love. I'm not looking for some passionate, amazing, world rocking love.
I just want someone in my life to call my own, who thinks I'm beautiful even when I wake up in the morning after having not washed off all of my makeup and it's streaked across my face.
And doesn't think that listening to me talk about what's bothering me is a task that they are forced to preform. Or that I'm expecting them to fix everything in my life. I just want someone who will listen, spout their own nonsense, and be ok with it all.
I want someone who's willing to go places, and do things...who will include me in their lifes plans, because like it or not...this is the time that things are changing rapidly. And if I'm in a relationship with someone, and we're not planning together...then there isn't a relationship.
And I'm clearly not talking about marriage, or even...living together. Just some sort of connection so that I know that it isn't just about right now. Right now.
I think that a part of me is scared that I've already loved as much as I can, and that my trust has been broken enough (no, not just by Craig) that I'm too scared to ever really love anyone again.
I never trusted easily, and I do scare easily. And right now I'm scared that a cokehead was as good as it's going to get.
