w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Wednesday, March 8, 3:55 p.m.
I'm sure a lot of people are going to be very disappointed in me.
And I'm sure they have every right.
When Dylan came over last night we talked for a really long time.
He's decided to stay in Saskatoon, and pretty much the first words out of his mouth were how sorry he was, not just for the breakup, but for before too.
He said that the whole time he was driving to Alberta all he really thought about was what I had said to him, and he told me that he knew that he had ruined things.
At this point, I wasn't in the mood to be the nicest person around, so basically I ripped him a new one (again) and...oddly enough (especially for him considering how proud he is) he didn't disagree once.
We're trying things out again. Because I believe in giving people second chances if they don't royally fuck up. I figure, I gave a coke head a second change, I can give him one too.
Has this made all of the shit I've been feeling these past few days go away? No. I think the breakup did trigger them, but that it wasn't the only cause. There is a lot of stuff that I have to deal with.
A lot of people have been telling me that I shouldn't bother dating Dylan because he'll eventually leave again. And all I can say to that is, so what? I'm not planning on sticking around here in Saskatoon for long, and I don't think that he should have to either. If things work out this time, then maybe (but probably not, I am a realist after all) we will move on together.
If not then, since having the talk I had with him I think I'll be better at dealing with things. I'm not scared to give him shit anymore, and I don't worry about telling him what I'm feeling. I think that was a huge problem before, I didn't want to admit to him that I wasn't happy.
And, if things don't change at all despite what he says, he's gone. Which is what I told him. I believe in 2nd chances, but nothing beyond that. I keep blaiming my emotional instability on other people, and that's not fair. If I let someone make me unhappy, let them control me...or whatever. That's my fault, and it shows that I'm the weak person. Maybe you're all right and I shouldn't be with him, if that's the case, then things will fuck up soon enough. And I've got a short fuse so he'll know about it (and his ears will bleed from the yelling).
