w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Sunday, March 5, 11:16 p.m.
So I guess I have a bit of a spine after all...I'm kind of at a loss for words right now (and I don't really know why), so I'll do my best with this entry.
Dylan and I broke up tonight...maybe half an hour ago. I just told him that I didn't want to date someone who had no intention of ever coming back.
I don't want to be sitting at home with these false hopes, only to get a phonecall from him saying that he's moved on and that it's over.
That would be a waste of time for me, and more pain than is necessary.
I feel kind of strange right now, part of my isn't as sad as I thought I would be...and another part. I just feel down. I don't know if it's because of the breakup or not.
I think these past two weeks have been really hard on me and this is kind of a final blow.
I saw Dylan two ways, the real way and...the way I wanted him to be.
You see, our relationship wasn't exactly the most passionate thing. We just weren't crazy about each other, we weren't in love. But there was a kind of...comfort between us, almost a sense of stability. Which I guess was more of a laziness than anything.
Anyways,
the real Dylan was distant and not wanted to get attached. From the start he had a limit to this relationship and, had we not ended things tonight, he certainly would have and it probably would have been fairly soon. It kind of makes me a bit angry because it makes me think that the whole time we were dating he was keeping his options open, just in case a better, newer, thinner, prettier, funner, girl came long. Half the time I felt like I was just around for his entertainment when he had exhausted all other options...
And then there was this
imaginary Dylan who may not have been a complete illusion, it was just the guy he chose to be when it suited him. Sweet, attentive, concerned. This is where the stability and comfort fit in. I kind of looked at him like this guy who I could live with. I didn't see him enough to get sick of him, there wasn't really any passion so there wasn't any fighting...it seemed...do-able.
And when he showed that site I totally forgot about the other side. Forgot how lonely I would feel when I wouldn't hear from him for days, or how it felt when he'd talk to me on the phone like it was slowly killing him and he just had to escape.
I think I'm just sad that I wasn't able to get things right again.
It seems like if a relationship isn't blowing up in my face and an actual danger to me, I'm just not good enough.
I'm not interesting enough, I'm not really all that pretty (and no, I'm not hunting for compliments so please no gibbering fake flattery to make me feel good), I know I'm kind of chubby and that's a huge no no.
As of late I've just kind of felt like...I have no qualities that are worth staying for. I'm not even average, I'm...blah.
I feel run down. I'm stressed out, worried, and not the most healthy person still (post-op weakness still hanging around). I'm tired. Emotionally, physically.
Tomorrow is school and I don't know, I'm already running on empty.
I don't really know what to do.
