w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Monday, April 17, 8:41 a.m.
Dylan and I have broken up. This time is it definately for good. I don’t know what’s sadder, a relationship that ends because 1 person wants it too and the other is crushed, or a relationship that just...ends. Where there’s no strong emotions, no tears shed, nothing. And even though there’s no harsh emotions you know that a friendship is still near impossible. Because no matter how hard you tried, there was no way in hell it would work.
I personally think that’s the saddest way for something to end. And I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong...but I believe there should always be passion in everything that you do, and passion in everyone that you know. It makes me sad when there isn’t any at all.
Yes, we got along and yes, we enjoyed each others company. There was just nothing there. No...profound conversations, no love, no laughter. There wasn’t anything negative either. We didn’t really fight, we’d discuss sometimes...that’s it. But I’m 18, I don’t want to discuss things. Maybe that’s stupid.
So now I’m free again, and I don’t feel any different. I think my dad will be more upset to hear we broke up than either of us...
Now to change the subject completely...
I’ve been reading a few other (what I guess I will call) professional blogs. Or more, people who are really writers in the truest sense. People who have made me laugh and nearly cry because of the stories they tell so perfectly. I don’t know how they do it. If it’s the flow of the words they use, the personality they pour into every entry...the quick wit? I don’t know.
I want to be that. I’ve always wanted to be that. I want that in my everyday life too. I want to be someone who is charismatic, kind and understanding. Someone who has tons of life experience, and can, not solve problems, but dispense truly good advice. I want to be creative and free spirited, to not give a fuck about what others thing. And I want that to make me beautiful.
When I look in the mirror, I don’t really feel ugly because of how I look physically, but I feel ugly because I’m not the person I want to be. I’m not the person that I feel I could be if I just stopped being afraid. I feel ugly because I can’t meet peoples eyes when I talk to them, I come off as quiet and mousey when I’m not that at all...I feel ugly because I’m not happy with where I am in life and I should be.
Now to change the subject completely again...
I’m getting aggrivated. There’s people who I used to be friends with who are upset that I haven’t “kept in touch” with them since moving. They accuse me of being the one to put forth no effort at all. And maybe I haven’t put forth as much as humanly possible. But here’s the thing, I leave my home to come back. I take the bus, 2 sometimes 3 times a month. I tell people when I’m going to be in town, give them my number and have them call me when they’re free.
Usually no one phones.
And not one person has come to visit me.
It can’t be an expense thing, they get free food and a place to stay.
Yet I’m the bad guy, it’s my fault.
I didn’t call someone to tell them I was in town one time when I was just there for my grandma’s birthday and they tell me their giving up on me.
Whatever man. That’s your choice. Soon enough I'll be really fucking far away.
