w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Friday, February 16, 9:40 a.m.
Currently, I feel like my life is just starting to make sense again.
I moved twice in the past year, graduated, left one home (for good?) and made another (sort of).
I met too many new people to keep track of and left behind too many to think of.
I miss everything about Saskatchewan, which is something I never thought I would.
But it seems time and distance have played a trick on me and now all I remember are the good things. I have all these golden memories of a place called home.
One of my favorite movies ever has a quote that says it best to me...
"You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist."
Things are not easy right now. I have a job that will not exist in a few more months. I have an apartment that I cannot afford once my sister and her boyfriend move on (in roughly a year). I have no mode of transportation beyond the city bus or a cab.
But things are good.
I am making friends. Slowly. They don't come as quickly as they did in school. I've learned that you have to really put yourself out there. Place yourself in situations that you're uncomfortable with at first.
Sometimes now I even go out.
I have a boyfriend who is very, very important to me. I've been with him 4 months now and it feels like no time has passed at all, yet it's like I've been with him forever. Sometimes I feel like I really definately do love him, and sometimes I think I might love him. I think it's mostly that sometimes I'm brave enough to admit that I love him and sometimes I'm terrified of making that jump.
I will be going to university in the fall. And I will be working towards the rest of my life in some shape or form.
So now,
Dear Paula,
Things will get better. Someday soon you'll be happy again.
