w.e.l.c.o.m.e.
get around using the links on the right
leave some love on the shout box
“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall,
so many laws to keep you from experience.
All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy,
stifling state in which most people pass through life.
I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride.
All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die.
I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow.
I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun -
hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks.
People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case."
I will turn and say to them
"It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job,
cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive.
For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that.
For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!"
And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”
-Henry Rollins
w.o.r.d.s.
Saturday, May 26, 11:25 p.m.
But I did. And maybe I should have just SAID it. But I'm a coward.
And at least it is said.
I'm scared to hear the reply...
______________________________________________________________________________
Ok, so I've been mulling this over ever since you said it.
I didn't want to say anything because you didn't want me to say anything. It was your turn to talk and mine to listen. That's fair and I hope you let me know MORE things like that.
What I didn't think was fair was when you said you didn't believe that I really loved you.
I honestly don't think you really thought about what you were saying, or what the impact would be. Maybe you just said it because you were mad. I don't know.
But it really, really hurt me. And I don't really think that was what you were trying to do. And that isn't what this e-mail is about.
I just want you to know that I do love you. And I did not say it on a whim. It was true before, true after and it is still true now.
I beat myself up over whether or not to tell you, if I really did love you, why I did and why you were different from any other guy I had dated. And then after awhile of that I knew I really did love you. That I wasn't just being stupid.
After that I beat myself up over whether or not I should tell you since I was scared that you didn't.
Eventually, thanks to Deepak (he convinced me to tell you), I decided I would tell you...eventually.
I didn't for the longest time because I was really scared. And then when we got into that big fight I got even more scared that I would push you away, you'd get sick of my shit and we'd break up because I never told you how I felt.
I know I said it at the worst possible time, but in my mind...at least I said it.
You claimed that if I did mean it I would have been saying it every day since, every time we talked.
But saying something doesn't make it any more true than not. I could tell you something every day of my life and be lying through my teeth the whole time. Or, I could never tell you something, but have it be more true than anything.
That being said, I can't even count the times I wanted to say it to you again. But it never came out. I was too scared to make my mouth work. In my mind you hadn't said it back so you probably didn't want to a constant reminder that I HAD.
And maybe I'm selfish (I know I am actually), but it makes me sad to say something like that and not hear it back. That doesn't mean I want you to say it if you aren't ready to, it just means I don't like to say it. Telling a person you love them and not hearing those words back is like...the ultimate silence.
One of the most difficult things for me to do is show that I care about someone. It's hard for me to stop seeing that as a weakness and a way to get hurt. I struggle with that every day and I am getting better. Which I guess you don't know because you didn't know me before.
I hope this didn't piss you off, or worse make you sad. I just wanted you to know and I feel a million times better having gotten if off my chest.
Even if I did it in a shitty, cowardly way.
I just can't stand that we always fight or that you don't know how I really feel about you.
I hope guys night was fun.
Call me tomorrow.
Love,
Allie
